


Gamble

by arimi_skywalker



Category: Arashi (Band), Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Childhood Friends, Drama & Romance, Lies, M/M, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-04
Updated: 2014-07-01
Packaged: 2018-01-14 13:19:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 29,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1267840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arimi_skywalker/pseuds/arimi_skywalker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ohno wakes up without memories after three weeks in a coma, and the only person by his side is Sho...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ohno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
> A/N: Thanks to my dear **furokugal** for checking and correcting this text for me. I suck at expressing myself in english ^^;;
> 
> _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics :)_

I opened my eyes and everything around me was white.  
  
The artificial light blinded me, forcing me to blink several times until I managed to get used to the brightness. The few objects I could see from my position, lying face-up on an unfamiliar bed, began to come into focus and the blurry images started to become clear in my pupils.  
  
I frowned and placed a hand on my forehead. My head felt as if it were about to explode.  
  
"Satoshi?"  
  
The warm voice of a man reached my ears almost in a whisper.  
  
With my hand still on my forehead, trying to soothe that awful headache, I looked down at my feet and saw a young man standing up from the chair he'd been sitting in, and quickly approached me, anxiously taking hold of my free hand. It was then that I realized an IV was stuck in my left arm.  
  
"How do you feel?", he asked in a soft voice. "Do you need anything?"  
  
I wanted to speak, but my mouth was too dry.  
  
"I'm thirsty", I muttered.  
  
"Hold on", he replied.  
  
He let go of my hand and poured water into a glass that was on the table beside my bed, then he offered it to me. I sat up slightly and drank all the liquid in one go, as if I hadn't drunk in days. Although maybe it was really like that. I felt as though I had been sleeping for weeks, and as much as I tried to remember the last thing I had done, my mind was completely blank. There wasn't a single memory there.  
  
"Do you want more?", the man asked me.  
  
I nodded and he immediately refilled the glass, offering it to me again. I drank it all, a little more slowly this time, and gave it back to him, staring at him. I wondered who this person was and if he would know the answers to all the questions that messily crowded my mind.  
  
"Do you feel better?", his eyes showed concern.  
  
"I think so"  
  
I lay back in bed and closed my eyes as I rested my head on the pillow.  
  
"Does anything hurt? I can call the nurse", his tone still sounded anxious.  
  
"My head. It's going to explode"  
  
"I'll call for someone to bring you some painkillers"  
  
"Thank you", I said in a tiny voice.  
  
I opened my eyes and saw how he pushed the button next to my bed.  
  
That man had dark hair, and some bangs that covered a large part of his forehead. The length of his hair diminished as my eyes went down to his neck. He had a round face, with a gentle gesture, and his eyebrows furrowed every now and then, giving him a serious expression that made me think that there were many things going on in his head that he wasn't saying out loud. His eyes, however, were round and clear, transparent, easy to read. And I liked that. Hopefully, he was a member of my family. Maybe my brother.  
  
"Hey... I... I'm sorry to ask this, but...", I frowned. "Who are you?"  
  
He looked at me with wide eyes.  
  
"I don't remember anything", I apologized when I saw his surprised expression. "My mind is like a huge blank canvas"  
  
It seemed like the initial surprise gave way to fear on his face.  
  
"Satoshi, it's me. Sho", he said, pointing at himself.  
  
"Sho?", I asked, looking at him carefully, though I frowned again and looked away. "Sorry. I don't remember anything, not even my name. It's frustrating"  
  
"You don't remember anything?", he looked at me in silence and sighed. "It's okay. I'll help you"  
  
"Really?"  
  
He nodded with a smile on his face. He had intended to say something else, but he was interrupted by a nurse who entered the room.  
  
"Good evening", she greeted us with a bow.  
  
"Ah", the man said, bowing back. "Good evening. Satoshi just woke up, and he says he has a strong headache. Would it be possible to give something to help him feel better?"  
  
"Right away", she replied. "When did he wake up?"  
  
"A few minutes ago"  
  
"Did he feel dizzy? Did he throw up?"  
  
"No. But he says he doesn't remember anything"  
  
"That may be because of the wound on his head", she turned to me. "Ohno-san, what is the last thing you remember? Do you remember your mother? Your friends? Any address? Your workplace?"  
  
The young nurse added some liquid to the bag connected to my IV. I just watched her, trying to find any of the answers she was waiting for, but my mind was like a huge, bottomless pit.  
  
And the more I tried to remember, the more my head hurt.  
  
"I don't know", I replied.  
  
"Don't worry. You hit your head pretty hard. The memory loss is nothing compared to what could've happened to you. You should be thankful you're alive"  
  
"How long will it last?", Sho asked.  
  
"It's impossible to know for sure. It could be hours, days, weeks, or even months"  
  
"Months?!", I exclaimed.  
  
"There are ways to stimulate the memories, but it's best if you speak about this with the doctor. He'll give you better advice than me"  
  
"Sure", I frowned.  
  
"I gave him a strong painkiller", said the nurse, turning to Sho. "He should be feeling better soon, but he'll probably fall asleep"  
  
"Thank you very much", he replied.  
  
They bowed to each other, and she left the room.  
  
"Are you a member of my family?", I asked.  
  
I was hoping that Sho had some kind of bond with me. Somehow, even though my mind was completely empty, I felt safe having him around.  
  
"I'm your friend", he replied. "We've known each other since kindergarten"  
  
"Wow... I'm really sorry..."  
  
He sighed and shook his head.  
  
"What's my name?", I asked.  
  
"Ohno Satoshi. You're 32 years old. You work at Sunshine City Aquarium in Ikebukuro, and you're always saying it's the perfect job. You're crazy about fish, you know. You can spend hours watching them"  
  
"Fish..."  
  
"Yeah, and you love fishing too. You're happy when you're able to do it"  
  
"I like the sea then?"  
  
"It's more of a fish thing. You have a passion for them. It's the only thing you really love, besides art", he looked thoughtful. "Yeah, art makes your eyes shine in a special way too"  
  
"Special?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
"It's quite adorable"  
  
I raised an eyebrow.  
  
That was an odd adjective, to say the least, to use with a friend. Sho must've realized what was going on my mind because he immediately cleared his throat, and his cheeks turned a slight shade of pink.  
  
"Sorry", he said.  
  
"Why? You didn't do anything wrong"  
  
"But I didn't tell you everything"  
  
I frowned.  
  
The last thing I needed was half truths.  
  
"Excuse me?", I said.  
  
"We aren't just kindergarten friends, Satoshi. We’re...", he looked around and lowered his voice. "A couple. Since some time ago"  
  
I felt my eyes widening.  
  
"C-Couple?"  
  
Sho nodded.  
  
"I confessed to you shortly before the accident, after being silent for many years because I was scared of ruining our friendship, and you agreed to be my partner. Then everything happened, and... well..."  
  
"What happened exactly?"  
  
"We had a car accident"  
  
"We? You too?"  
  
"I was the one driving the car", he sighed with sad eyes. "You can't imagine how hard it's been for me, Satoshi. I came out of it unscathed, with only had a few small scratches on my right leg, but you didn't wake up. You've been in coma for almost three weeks now, and the doctors didn't give me much hope. It's been horrible. I really thought you'd never wake up"  
  
His eyes were filled with tears, but he bit his lower lip to prevent them from rolling down his cheeks. I frowned again. It seemed like Sho really loved me, and he worried about me. In exchange, I felt nothing. I didn't even remember him.  
  
It was frustrating.  
  
"It wasn't your fault, Sho", I tried to comfort him. "I don't remember how it was, but accidents happen, and they aren't anyone's fault. Don't bear the responsibility"  
  
"Thank you...", he sobbed. "If you didn't wake up... I..."  
  
I gave him a tender smile.  
  
Sho looked like the kind of person who carries too much weight on their shoulders.  
  
"I should be the one thanking you for being here", I looked at him. "You've been looking after me all this time, right?"  
  
He looked at me and nodded.  
  
"I've come here every day, and been here as much as I could. Even when I was told that you'd probably never wake up, I wanted to be here if you did. I didn't want you to be alone when you opened your eyes"  
  
"Come here", I said, motioning for him to approach my bed.  
  
He approached me and I held his hand, pulling him to lean closer so that I could kiss his lips. It was a quick and warm kiss, with which I wanted to express my gratitude, and at the same time, I wanted to try and remember what I felt for him before losing my memory. But it didn't work. I don't know if I was able to make him feel that I was grateful, but I stayed the same. I still didn't remember anything, and I still didn't feel anything special, which made me frown again.  
  
"Satoshi...", he whispered.  
  
"Thank you", I said, ignoring what I felt.  
  
Or better said, what I didn't feel.  
  
Sho's cheeks were now of an intense shade of red and his eyes danced happily. He gently caressed my cheek as he smiled, and then stroked my hair, as if it were the first time he had done it.  
  
"I'm going to take care of you, Satoshi. I promise you. I'll make you happy"  
  
"I suspect you already did before", I smiled.  
  
"I've always tried to, I swear. But I don't think I've always managed to do it. From now on, you're always going to come first for me, come what may. I'll help you get your memories back"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"Yeah, I think I'll need some help"  
  
"Do you want to move in with me when you get out of here? You can stay at my place for as long as you want; until you get your memories back or longer, if you need to. Until now, we haven't lived together, but I don't want you to live alone in your condition. I'm scared that something might happen to you"  
  
"Eh?", I blinked.  
  
"I want to take care of you, Satoshi. Let me do it, please"  
  
I looked at him, confused, but in the end I nodded and smiled.  
  
It was Sho. What could happen?  
  
"Okay", I said.  
  
"Good", a wide smile appeared on his face. "I'll get everything ready tonight. I don't know when you'll be discharged, but I want everything to be ready for you"  
  
I couldn't help laughing.  
  
"And you said I'm adorable? You're the one who's adorable"  
  
"Me? Why?"  
  
"Are you even listening to yourself? Everything you're willing to do for me is so awesome. I don't know what kind of person I used to be, but I must've done something really good to deserve someone like you in my life"  
  
"I do it because I love you, Satoshi", his face was suddenly serious. "I want you to never forget that you're the most important thing to me, no matter what. Please, always remember how much I love you and that all I do is for your sake"  
  
"Of course. How could I forget it, when you treat me like a prince?", I chuckled. "But what about my family? Do they know anything? If you could give them a call to let them know I'm all right..."  
  
Sho stopped and stared at me.  
  
"Satoshi... no...", he whispered with wide eyes.  
  
"What?", I asked, confused.  
  
He sighed and held my hand.  
  
"Your father died when you were very little, you and I didn't even know each other back then. And your mother... she died two years ago... She was ill"  
  
"I see", I frowned. "Do I have any siblings?"  
  
"No"  
  
"What about the rest of my family? Grandparents? Any uncle or aunt? Cousins?"  
  
"Your father's family doesn't want to know anything about you. They never accepted your parents' relationship, and they always blamed your mother for your father's death. Your mother's family... I think you have an uncle, but he lives somewhere in the south"  
  
"Does he know anything about this?"  
  
"He doesn't know you exist. Your mother ran away from home with your father, and she never told her family she had a son"  
  
"So I'm alone?", I sighed.  
  
"No. You've got me, Satoshi"  
  
I looked at him.  
  
"You've got me", he repeated with a smile on his lips.  
  
A strange feeling of relief made its way through my confusion, and I ended up smiling back at him as I nodded.  
  
"Thank you, Sho... really..."  
  
He shook his head and stroked my hair.  
  
"Thank you for being in my life", he smiled. "Now get some rest. I don't think all this stress is good for your headache. Besides, I want you to recover as soon as possible so that we can go home together and you can start having a normal life again"  
  
He kissed my forehead. I nodded and closed my eyes.  
  
I don't know if it was exhaustion or the painkillers taking effect, but I fell asleep almost immediately and had a strange dream in which Sho and I were in a park. He confessed his feelings to me, but I didn't answer him. I just turned around and left  
  
Holding the hand of a person without a face.


	2. Sho

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>  A/N: Thanks to my dear **furokugal** for checking and correcting this text for me. I suck at expressing myself in english ^^;;
> 
> _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics :)_

When Satoshi fell asleep, I broke down.  
  
It all happened so fast that I didn't even know how I had gotten to that point. Satoshi had woken up after almost three weeks in a coma, and he couldn't remember anything. He didn't remember his name, he didn't remember where he lived, he didn't remember me, and he didn't even remember if he had a family.  
  
And I didn't know how to react.  
  
During those three weeks I thought him dead. I thought he would never open his eyes, and my heart couldn't stand the pain. I was convinced that I had lost him forever, that I would never his eyes shining with happiness, and wouldn't hear the sound of his laughter again. The doctor confirmed things to me several times, that it was almost impossible that he would open ever his eyes again. But he did. And for me, it was a miracle. When I saw his eyelids moving, I felt that nothing else mattered. He was alive, he was opening his eyes. After believing I had lost him forever, that he had left me, that there was no turning back, and that I would never be able to speak to him again, I couldn't believe we were being given a second chance. And I got scared.  
  
Satoshi. My Satoshi. The one who had approached me in the kindergarten with his sweet gesture, when we were just three years old, and offered me his favorite toy. The one who fascinated me with his personality and had won my heart since the very first moment I saw him, even when I was too young to understand what was happening. The one who made my heart shake every time he smiled in that shy way of his. And the one who would go to Hokkaido the moment he was recovered and could leave the hospital.  
  
I couldn't stand the idea. I didn't want to lose him again.  
  
I had always known he was the most important person in my life and that I needed him like the air that I breathe, but after those three weeks, I didn't want to relive the torture of a life without him. I couldn't stand being alone in Tokyo again, with the uncertainty of whether I would ever be able to see him again. I would choose death over a life with Satoshi so far away from me, in a place where I couldn't look for him when I felt lost.  
  
When I realized it, the words were coming out of my mouth by themselves.  
  
The moment he told me he didn't remember anything, it was as if something clicked inside me, and my heart acted on its own. I found myself caught in a spiral from which, little by little, I realized I wouldn't be able to get out of. It was wrong. I was getting into the mud up to my neck, and I didn't even know how I would manage the situation I hadn't thought out first, but I was so desperate to avoid having Satoshi get away from me again that I simply let the words slip out of my mouth, without thinking about the consequences they would bring. And now I had no idea about how to get out of the lie.  
  
I wiped my tears, grabbed my things, and left the hospital like a bat out of hell.  
  
I needed to think.  
  
I didn't want to take advantage of Satoshi's state, nevertheless I was. My intention was not to hurt him, but at the same time I knew I couldn't avoid doing that if I really wanted to keep him by my side. And that was the only thing I knew for sure. I loved him. I had loved him with every fiber of my being since we were kids, and I was willing to fight tooth and nail for him, even giving up my moral integrity if necessary, but I wouldn't allow him to leave for Hokkaido. I wouldn't allow anyone to separate him from me.  
  
As I walked to my car, my cellphone rang from inside my pocket. I pulled it out clumsily, due to the nervous state in which I was, and answered the call without stopping to check who it was.  
  
"Sho", the answer came from the other end of the line  
  
My eyes widened and my heart froze.  
  
"Jun...", I said, nearly breathless.  
  
"Did something happen?"  
  
"N-No. Nothing happened"  
  
"You sound tense", my friend replied. "Your voice is trembling. Where are you?"  
  
I sighed and clenched my fists.  
  
"At the hospital. I have news"  
  
There was a pause.  
  
"Is there... any change?", he asked, his voice faltering.  
  
"Where are you?"  
  
"What happened, Sho? Tell me!", he exclaimed.  
  
I heard his voice breaking.  
  
I bit my lower lip, closed my eyes and sighed, looking up at the sky. When I opened them again, tears had started rolling down my face again, and the lip I was biting had begun to tremble uncontrollably. I leaned against my car and ran my hand through my hair.  
  
"Jun...", I stammered. "He has... died..."  
  
"No", he replied.  
  
"I'm sorry...", I whispered.  
  
"No!", he screamed. "No, no... NO!!"  
  
I covered my face with my hand as I continued to cry.  
  
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry...", I said. "I'm so sorry..."  
  
I was the most horrible person in the world.  
  
How I had come to that point, I wasn't even sure myself, but I couldn't go back. If I did, I'd lose Satoshi, and if I had to hurt Jun in order to avoid that, being fully aware of it, I would do it in a heartbeat. I was convinced that if fate had stopped him on his way to Hokkaido and allowed him to wake up from his coma, it had to be sign. We were being given a second chance, and I wasn't thinking of wasting it.  
  
"He can't be dead", Jun said, on the other end of the line. "Sho, tell me it isn't true. Tell me this is all just a nightmare and that I'm going to wake up"  
  
"I wish... I could say that..."  
  
"God!! Sho... this is a nightmare..."  
  
"I know..."  
  
There was a long silence.  
  
"Jun?", I called to him. "Are you still there?"  
  
"I killed him"  
  
"Don't say that"  
  
"He's dead because of me. If I hadn't..."  
  
"Don't say that!", I interrupted him. "Don't even think about it. This isn't anyone's fault. Do you understand, Jun? Accidents happen, and they aren't anyone's fault. Don't bear the responsibility"  
  
Unconsciously, I found myself repeating the very words Satoshi had told me just minutes earlier, and a huge pang of guilt struck my chest strongly, causing me to bite my lip again, asking myself what I was doing.  
  
I was overstepping too many boundaries in just one night.  
  
"We were arguing", he said. "I yelled at him"  
  
I opened my mouth, with tears still rolling down my cheeks, and tried to breathe.  
  
I couldn't stand the feeling of guilt. It was suffocating me.  
  
"Jun", I managed to say. "Are you at home?"  
  
"I can't go anywhere with this damn leg"  
  
"I'm coming over. Wait for me, OK?"  
  
"Okay"  
  
I hung up the phone and ran my hands through my hair.  
  
That pressure in my chest was becoming unbearable, but I had to put up with it. Now that I had set things in motion and had covered myself in mud, I couldn't tell the truth, not if I didn't want to lose everything.  
  
As I drove to Jun's place, I remembered the kiss Satoshi gave me in the hospital. It wasn't in my plans for something physical to happen between us because I didn't want to take advantage of the state he was in, but he asked me to get close and, when I realized it, he was already kissing me.  
  
His lips were soft and warm, just as I had imagined so many times and, even when the kiss lasted but for a few seconds, it sent a shiver down my spine and drew a foolish smile on my face. Despite my knowing it wasn't right to kiss him, I couldn't help enjoying the feeling of his lips on mine after longing for it for so many years.  
  
When I parked my car, I sighed for umpteenth time that night.  
  
I was going to face one of the most difficult situations of my life. I had known Jun since high school, and even though we hadn't always gotten along, I had come to like him. Lying to him like that, about such a serious matter, was despicable, and my conscience was already stirring before I had even done it, but I had no choice. I had to face him as soon as possible.  
  
If everything went as I hoped, things would return to normal little by little, and when Jun went back to Hokkaido with his family, I would be able to tell Satoshi the truth. He would most likely despise me and hate me as much as I despised and hated myself, and probably would never want to see me again, but at least he would stay in Tokyo. And time would be the one to decide the end of our story.  
  
I didn't take the elevator.  
  
I slowly climbed the stairs, taking my time to assimilate what I was about to do. I rang the doorbell of Jun's apartment, and took a deep breath.  
  
What happened next would be crucial.  
  
If my lie didn't sound convincing, it would be over and I would have to give up Satoshi forever. Not only being his partner, but sharing everything we had shared for nearly thirty years, and I couldn't live like that. I didn't want to live like that. Satoshi was too important to me. His presence was essential in my life. Without him, nothing made sense to me.  
  
Jun opened the door with red and swollen eyes.  
  
He looked awful.  
  
"Come in", he said almost in a whisper, moving to let me inside.  
  
The bandage that wrapped around his body and covered his shoulder stuck out slightly through the collar of his shirt. He had his right leg in a cast that reached his knee, and he walked leaning on a crutch, making little gestures of pain with every step he took. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I had that clear in my mind since the moment I was aware of what I was doing, but we hadn't even begun to speak and his image was already tearing at my heart.  
  
I felt an almost uncontrollable urge to cry again, overwhelmed by my own guilt, but I held back and followed him silently into the living room.  
  
"Do you want a drink?", he asked.  
  
"No, I'm fine", I said. "Just sit down and rest"  
  
I helped him set his crutch aside so he could sit down, and put his leg up. Then I sat down next to him and waited in silence, fidgeting with my hands on my lap.  
  
"I can't believe he's dead, Sho"  
  
I swallowed hard, trying to undo the knot in my throat  
  
"I can't either...", I replied.  
  
"We were moving to Hokkaido, together. I was going to introduce him to my family", he sobbed. "And now he's dead. Because of me"  
  
"Jun, it isn't your fault. It isn't anyone's fault", I sighed. "It was an accident. You didn't cause it. And Satoshi wouldn't have wanted to see you like this"  
  
A tear slowly ran down Jun's cheek, and I felt a knot in my stomach. The feeling of guilt had been weighing on my conscience for quite a while, but to see Jun wrecked and blaming himself for a death that wasn't even real was making me feel so low, so despicable, that I wanted to disappear.  
  
I wanted to vanish and cease to exist.  
  
"I don't know what I'm going to do, Sho"  
  
I placed my arm around his shoulders.  
  
"Today isn't a good day to think", I told him. "Give yourself a break. You can make decisions when the wound starts to heal, and everything looks a little less dark"  
  
Jun nodded, leaned against my chest and cried in silence in my arms.  
  
His grief was inconsolable. The only thing I could do was try to make him feel a little less lonely, even though I knew I was being cynical and that I would wind up going to hell for what I was doing. But anything was better than seeing Satoshi leave.  
  
I had to gamble all or nothing.


	3. Ohno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>  A/N: Thanks to my dear **furokugal** for checking and correcting this text for me. I suck at expressing myself in english ^^;;
> 
> _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics :)_

Little by little, I went back to life.  
  
Sho spoke to my boss while I was in the hospital, and explained my situation. He came to visit me every day after work, and kept me company until I fell asleep. When I was discharged, he took the day off and came to pick me up to make sure that everything was all right. He helped me settle into his apartment right away, and he helped me move all of my things there, bit by bit.  
  
I went back to work a couple of weeks later, and he accompanied me on my first day. He wanted to go in his car, but I told him that it was better to take the train or subway since I couldn't remember the way to work and had to learn by myself. He tried to accompany me inside the building, but the manager told him that anyone who didn't work there wasn't allowed to enter. Even so, Sho wasn't at ease until one of my co-workers, who introduced himself as Aiba Masaki, promised to help me and would watch over me at all times.  
  
Even though I had been working at the aquarium for almost three years, I was learning everything all over again. Aiba patiently explained my tasks and took care of me, making sure that everything was fine. I felt bad because I knew I was hindering his work, but as hard as I tried, my memories didn't come back. At times, there were certain things that were familiar to me, but they were just specific isolated memories.  
  
That day, when I finished work, I called Sho, as he had asked me to. He offered to pick me up, but I insisted on going back home alone. In the morning, I had memorized which train we caught and its route, and I wanted to get used to catching it by myself, without having to rely on him all the time.  
  
If my memories wouldn't come back, I would build new ones.  
  
"Satoshi!", Sho ran to the front door of his apartment when he heard me come in.  
  
" _Tadaima_ ", I greeted him, taking off my shoes.  
  
"Finally! You had me worried"  
  
"Eh?", I blinked.  
  
"You took too long getting back"  
  
"Ah, well... yeah...", I replied, slightly blushing. "I got lost. I missed my stop and had to catch a train back"  
  
He seemed to breathe in relief as he heard my explanation.  
  
"I thought something happened to you", he said. "I was about to call you"  
  
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to worry you"  
  
"It's okay", he smiled, offering me his hand and taking me to the living room, where we sat down. "When something like this happens, call me. I don't want to overwhelm you, but I'm a little uneasy and I can't help worrying. You don't remember anything yet, and the doctor said you might feel dizzy your first few days outside. My mind goes crazy thinking about what might happen if you collapsed on the street or..."  
  
"Sho", I interrupted him.  
  
He looked at me and I smiled, squeezing his hand with affection.  
  
"I'm fine. I'm 32 years old. If I get dizzy, I can use my phone to call you"  
  
He chuckled, embarrassed, and shook his head.  
  
"You're right, sorry. I should stop acting like a hysterical mother"  
  
I couldn't help chuckling as well, and caressed his hand.  
  
"I appreciate how much you worry about me. I know you do it because you love me, but I'm fine, really. I remembered some things at the aquarium. Not a lot, just a few images here and there, but I think it was pretty good for the first day"  
  
"What did you remember?"  
  
"The seals' pool, for example"  
  
"The seals' pool?", he chuckled.  
  
I nodded.  
  
"The moment I entered it, I remembered that I had been there before. However, I didn't remember feeding the seals or how to clean the pool"  
  
"Little by little, don't force yourself"  
  
"I know, but it's so frustrating. As hard as I try to think and think, my brain blocks my memories. It's like trying to open a sealed box"  
  
"Give yourself a break, Satoshi. The doctor said you shouldn't rush it or you'll just stress yourself out, and that will only make it harder to get your memories back"  
  
I sighed.  
  
"I can't help it"  
  
"I know it must be hard. I try to put myself in your place and I can't imagine how it must feel to not have a life before the accident"  
  
"It's worse than that, because I know there's a life, that I did things and met people, but it's as if there were no trace of it. I don't even know the kind of person I used to be"  
  
"Sweet and special", he smiled. "Very special"  
  
I looked at him and giggled.  
  
"Sho...", I said in a shy tone.  
  
"Sorry", he blushed.  
  
"You're my partner, so you see me in a good light. There are probably people out there who don't see me like that"  
  
Sho sighed.  
  
"Don't torture yourself with that, Satoshi. You're a wonderful person. You've always been loyal and a good friend, and there's something about you that makes you attractive to those around you. Maybe it's your carefree personality and your outlook on life"  
  
"I wish I could remember..."  
  
"You will. Give yourself some time and the memories will come back by themselves. I'm sure"  
  
He smiled and caressed my hand in a comforting way, then gently kissed it.  
  
"Are you hungry?", he asked me. "I bought a lot of stuff"  
  
"What did you buy?"  
  
"Shrimp and vegetables to make _tenpura_ "  
  
" _Tenpura_!", I exclaimed.  
  
Sho chuckled amused.  
  
"I'm going to make dinner. You stay here, I'll be right back"  
  
He kissed my hand again and let go of it to stand up.  
  
"I'll help you", I said, standing up as well.  
  
"No, no. You stay here", he insisted.  
  
He forced me to sit back down, placing a cushion on one end of the couch and patting it, motioning for me to lie down. I looked at him for a few seconds, halfway between surprised and hesitant, but I ended up lying back on the cushion. He put my legs up on the other end of the couch and smiled warmly.  
  
"You need to rest", he said. "You've been out all day"  
  
"But it isn't fair, letting you do everything"  
  
"You can help me later, when you're recovered. You have to start having a normal life, but little by little. It isn't good for you to start doing it all at once"  
  
I sighed, resigned.  
  
"Okay"  
  
Arguing with Sho when he was in his motherly mode was useless.  
  
When he went to the kitchen, I turned on the TV and looked for the fishing channel. During the few weeks I had been at Sho's place, I discovered that he was right when he said I loved fishing, so it was almost a blessing that he had cable. It kept me company in the endless hours stuck at home, though I wasn't really paying attention to it at that moment.  
  
My mind was wandering, thinking about everything that was happening.  
  
Sho loved me. It was something I could've confirmed since the very first day, and that he had proved to me during all those weeks, in and out of the hospital. I liked to feel loved by him and even when I thought he went overboard sometimes, I liked that he took care of me and that he was always keeping an eye on me. But I felt something was off.  
  
Something inside of me was not right.  
  
We hadn't touched each other since that first day in the hospital, when I kissed him, in an attempt to unlock the box containing my feelings. When I didn't remember anything between us I thought I was blocking it and that I only needed time, but almost two months had passed already and my feelings didn't appear anywhere. Sho was a good looking man, very handsome, and gentle. I was attracted to him, but not in the way I thought a partner should attract me.  
  
I was beginning to think that maybe it wasn't a problem with my memory. Maybe I didn't feel the same for him anymore. Maybe I had stopped loving him, but I was so terrified by the thought of it that I insisted on burying that feeling in the bottom of my heart. Sho was my only link to the world, and even when I knew that he would help me anyway, somehow I didn't want to break the relationship he valued so much and cared for attentively every day. I didn't want to hurt him, especially since I didn't even know what was happening myself. I felt bad, in general, for not being able to remember anything and perhaps that was affecting my view of our relationship. Maybe I was just confused, or giving more priority to my memories than to my feelings. That's why I couldn't find them.  
  
Whatever the case, I needed to clear my mind soon.  
  
I couldn't continue sleeping in the same bed as Sho, without touching him or being intimate with him. I felt as if I were fooling myself, and him. I felt like I was using him because I knew I would be lost without him. And I didn't like it. Especially because I had the feeling that he suspected something. He didn't touch me, he didn't even try to kiss me, despite looking at me in that way of his, with those eyes full of love and devotion. And I was betraying him.  
  
I didn't want to touch the topic that night. I decided to put it off a little longer, with the intention of clearing my mind before making a decision I might regret, and had dinner with him as if nothing had happened. I told him the rest of things I had done and remembered while at the aquarium and then on my way home and he told me about his day at the law firm he worked for.  
  
When we went to bed, after washing the dishes, putting on our pajamas, and brushing our teeth, it took me a while to fall asleep. It was past three in the morning when I managed to fall sleep, finally overcome by fatigue, and I had nightmares again. Strange dreams, in which the person without a face, a man, appeared over and over again. He was taller and thinner than Sho, and his voice was deeper. He told me everything would be fine as he held my face in his hands and kissed my forehead.  
  
And I cried.  
  
I cried desperately, and felt an unbearable pressure on my chest as that man held my hand and took me away from Sho, as he had done every night since I had woken up in the hospital.  
  
I fought to go back.  
  
I didn't want to be away from Sho.  
  
It made me upset. It hurt. I couldn't breathe.  
  
I woke up startled and sweaty, breathing heavily, my face soaked in my own tears, that wouldn't stop rolling down my cheeks. Sho was peacefully sleeping beside me, oblivious to everything that was happening. I wiped my tears and tried to breathe normally again as I lay back on the bed. I turned to Sho, caressed his cheek with the back of my hand and moved closer to him, snuggling against his chest. He shifted in his sleep and wrapped me in his arms, pulling me even closer to him. As if he knew how desperately I needed to feel him close to me.  
  
Overwhelmed by a feeling of peace, I closed my eyes and fell asleep in his arms.  
  
Maybe I hadn't stopped loving him, as I thought.  
  
I had simply forgotten.


	4. Jun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>  A/N: Thanks to my dear **furokugal** for checking and correcting this text for me. I suck at expressing myself in english ^^;;
> 
> _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics :)_

That damn cast was driving me crazy.  
  
It was too hot, even though it was winter, and it made my leg itchy all over. And the worst part was that I couldn't scratch it. I was dying for the next day to come so I could get rid of it. The doctor had told me that my leg would heal better if I was able to keep the cast on a little longer, but I wanted to leave Tokyo as soon as possible.  
  
"If you keep moving like that, you're going to fall off the stool"  
  
Ninomiya, the bartender of the pub that was below my building, dried glasses absent-mindedly as he spoke in his usual neutral tone, as if he didn't care. I looked at him from the other side of the bar, with a frown on my face.  
  
"It's my damn leg", I said. "It's driving me crazy"  
  
"I'd say you're uneasy about something"  
  
I blinked.  
  
"Well", I cleared my throat. "That too"  
  
"An important event?", he asked.  
  
"No", I replied, taking a sip of my drink. "I don't have anything to do in Tokyo anymore. If I'm lucky, tomorrow I'll be rid of this thing and I'll be able to leave"  
  
Ninomiya nodded, and checked that the glass he was holding in his hand shone like gold before placing it aside and taking a new one. I sighed.  
  
"Have you ever felt lost?", I asked him.  
  
He took a few seconds to reply.  
  
"Yeah. A few times"  
  
"That's how I feel right now. I don't know what to do with my life, or how to go on", I took another sip of my drink. "I was born in Hokkaido, you know. Have you ever been there?"  
  
"I haven't had the pleasure"  
  
"It must be covered in snow right now, but you should see it in summer. Its green fields are one of the most beautiful landscapes you'll ever see", I smiled a bitter smile. "I miss them"  
  
"Why are you still here then?"  
  
I looked up and stared at him.  
  
"For love", I replied  
  
Ninomiya snorted, as if I had just said the dumbest thing in the world.  
  
"You can't be serious", he said.  
  
I nodded.  
  
"I found something even more beautiful than the fields of Hokkaido. You should've met him. He was... so special..."  
  
Ninomiya put another glass aside.  
  
"Where is he now?", he asked.  
  
"Somewhere I can't follow him"  
  
"And he would have followed you? To Hokkaido, I mean"  
  
"He was about to..."  
  
I had to pause because a knot had formed in my throat that prevented me from speaking  
  
"Why didn't he do it?"  
  
"He didn't have time", I replied, feeling my voice crack. "He died... before we could go there..."  
  
Ninomiya stopped drying the glasses and looked at me.  
  
"I'm sorry", he said.  
  
I shook my head.  
  
I took a long sip of my drink, trying to undo that knot, and cleared my throat, staring at the ceiling of the pub struggling to hold back the tears that fought to roll down my cheeks.  
  
"We had an accident", I continued. "It was my fault. I only broke my leg and three ribs, but he... he didn't survive..."  
  
"Accidents aren't anyone's fault", he said. "They're only accidents"  
  
I stared at my glass and started to play with it in my hands.  
  
"His name was Satoshi, and he was someone so exceptional", I sighed. "I met him in school, when I was thirteen years old. He was three years older, but I was shameless enough to approach him the very first day and tell him that I wanted to be a part of his group of friends. Though, I soon discovered that this group consisted of only him and his best friend, who accompanied him everywhere", I smiled bitterly again and shook my head as I remembered those days.  
  
"Was he his boyfriend?"  
  
"No, he was only his best friend. They had a very close relationship, but that was all"  
  
"I see"  
  
"I'll admit I probably would never have been friends with that guy if it weren't because he was Satoshi's friend. He was too serious and stuck-up. He got on my nerves most of the time, but I learned to accept his personality with time. I guess I matured"  
  
I shrugged and looked up to see that Ninomiya had stopped doing his chores as bartender, and now was leaning against the bar, focusing all his attention on me.  
  
"Go on", he said.  
  
I couldn't help smiling, despite the feelings all those memories stirred in me.  
  
"Satoshi caught my attention from the moment I'd met him, with his absent-minded personality and his refreshing character", I remembered with nostalgia. "I wanted to be like him, to see life as he saw it, to be as free as he was. I admired him from the first minute, and over time, I realized that admiration was becoming something else. I wanted to spend more time with him, and I became annoyed when other people stole his attention away from me, until it reached the point where spending time by his side and having his attention weren't enough. I wanted to know his secrets and his obsessions, all the things that no one else knew. And I wanted to touch him", I felt heat on my cheeks when I said those words. "Caress his body, kiss his lips, explore every last corner of his skin. And I never tried to hide it. From the moment I realized what I was feeling, I was clear in my intentions, and didn't take too long to confess"  
  
"How did you do it?"  
  
"The winter before my twenty-first birthday I called him to meet in the afternoon. We went together to Ueno Zoo and had something to drink at a café near the park. When it was the time to leave, I walked him home, but I stopped a few meters before getting to his door to avoid being seen his by neighbors. I grabbed his hands with all the love I felt for him, and told him everything. I told him that I wanted to be with him forever, though I didn't know just how true those words were back then, and embraced him. I wrapped his body in my arms, and took in his scent"  
  
I had to pause again.  
  
All those memories were happy moments, but knowing they were in the past and that they would never happen again hurt so much that I couldn't stand it. Satoshi and his scent were gone forever, leaving a huge void within me.  
  
"What did he say?", Ninomiya asked, bringing me back to reality.  
  
I took a final sip of my drink before continuing, and motioned for him to pour me a new one.  
  
"He wasn't surprised to know that I was in love with him. I hadn't been subtle at all in the recent months so he had noticed everything, but the moment I chose to tell him is what caught him off guard. He told me that he needed to think and organize his feelings before giving me a reply, but he promised not to make me wait for too long. And it was like that. Three days later, he came to my place and told me that he wasn't in love with me, but he did like me, so he wanted to try, if I agreed, and see if things could work between us"  
  
"And you agreed?", Ninomiya looked surprised.  
  
"I'm not going to lie, I had my doubts. I would've liked to hear that he was in love with me, but the fact that he liked me and that he wanted to try a relationship with me was enough at that moment. With time, I saw our relationship blossom and we became more and more involved, and that's when I really started to be happy. Extremely happy"  
  
"And then you asked him to go to Sapporo with you"  
  
"No. Satoshi had his family and friends in Tokyo, and I didn't think it was fair to ask him to leave his life to go with me to Sapporo. When I finished my degree, I looked for a job and decided to stay here with him"  
  
"I don't understand. Weren't you about to leave?"  
  
I nodded, taking a sip of my new drink.  
  
"My father suffered a heart attack less than a year ago", I turned my glass, staring at it. "I immediately went to Sapporo, where I spent a few weeks until he recovered, but I felt really guilty when it was time to come back to Tokyo. I left my mother alone in charge of my father, and I couldn't stop thinking about it during the entire trip back. When I arrived, Satoshi must have noticed something odd because he was the one who brought it up, and we talked about it at length for hours. I told him all of my fears and everything that was on my mind, and he ended up saying he would go to Hokkaido with me"  
  
"He was the one who proposed the move?"  
  
"Yeah", I sighed. "I still felt it wasn't fair that I took him away from the place he was born, but he insisted that he couldn't stand to see me suffering. He said that he would look for the way to travel to Tokyo on the weekends or during the holidays"  
  
"I think it's admirable that he was willing to give up his life to go with you"  
  
"It is", I bit my lower lip. "I considered myself the luckiest person in the world, but then... we had the accident... and somehow, I feel it was a punishment... for being selfish, and wanting to take him with me..."  
  
"I wouldn't think too much about it", Ninomiya said. "Remember the years that you were with him, and the moments you lived together. If he were here, I don't think he'd like to see you feeling guilty"  
  
"That's what Sho says"  
  
"Who is Sho?"  
  
"Satoshi's best friend"  
  
"Ah, the third member of the party"  
  
I looked at my glass in silence for a bit, then finished it in one go.  
  
Tears were pricking in my eyes again, and I felt like I couldn't hold them back any longer. I paid Ninomiya for my two drinks and said goodbye, hurriedly thanking him for listening to me. I left the bar and went home as fast as I could to lean against the door as I closed it, and break down.  
  
I couldn't take it anymore.  
  
What I hadn't told to Ninomiya was that Satoshi and I had been arguing that day in the car. He was crying, and I kept yelling at him, getting carried away in a completely ridiculous attack of jealousy. Now, looking back, I felt stupid for having provoked that argument. I loved Satoshi more than anything in this world, and I had made him suffer during his last minutes of life.  
  
I would never be able to forgive myself.  
  
We had been together for eight years, and we were at our best. We were going to live together in Sapporo, where we would spend the rest of our days, but I had to ruin everything. I got angry, I yelled at him and didn't pay attention to the road. I crossed over into the opposite lane for hardly a second, but it was enough to force me to make a sharp turn in order to avoid an oncoming car. Our car rolled down a bank, and I took several blows to my head and body as glass and metal shattered around us.  
  
It was a moment of confusion and panic, which I can't recall very clearly. I only remember that when it was all over and the car had stopped moving, I felt an unbearable pressure on my right leg. I felt dizzy and disoriented, my head was about to explode, and there wasn't a single part of my body that didn't hurt. I tried to get out of the car, but I couldn't move because my leg was trapped under a piece of the wreckage. It was then that I looked beside me, and realized that Satoshi wasn't there.  
  
I forgot about my leg and my headache, and began to yell his name, several times, in desperation. I looked around for him with just my eyes for what seemed like an eternity, and finally found him lying face down a few meters away from the car, surrounded by a pool of blood that was growing increasingly larger. Tears were rolling down my cheeks uncontrollably as I screamed his name again, but he didn't reply. I clumsily searched for my cellphone, praying that it still worked, and dialed Sho's number.  
  
My Satoshi died three weeks later.  
  
He couldn't recover from the injuries caused by the accident.  
  
He went to a place where I couldn't follow, where we could no longer spend the rest of our days together.  
  
He had left me forever.


	5. Sho

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
> A/N: Thanks to my dear **furokugal** for checking and correcting this text for me. I suck at expressing myself in english ^^;;
> 
>  
> 
> _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics :)_

I couldn't stop punishing myself.

When Jun had the cast on his leg he hardly went out, and I visited him almost daily. If anyone knew the situation, they would say I had no scruples or a heart because, despite being the one causing his pain, I had the guts to comfort him, but I was truly worried about him. I put myself in his position and couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose the person you love. More than anything, because I had lived it as well, even though it had been in a different way.  
  
Satoshi and I had always been two peas in a pod, since we were kids, but one day, when I was sixteen, a nosy thirteen year old brat entered our school and brazenly introduced himself to Satoshi, saying he wanted to be included in his group of friends. Well, that group of friends was only me, and when Satoshi told me what had happened, I didn't like it. Just as I didn't like it when he insisted on giving him a chance, that brat, who had introduced himself as Matsumoto Jun.  
  
"Maybe he's just nervous, Sho, don't be like that", Satoshi had said.  
  
I still thought he was too shameless and he made me uneasy, but I decided to give in for Satoshi's sake. If being friends with Jun was what he wanted, I would accept it. I would've done anything for him. Literally, anything. If he asked me to climb up and down Mount Fuji barefoot, I would've done it without blinking, even though he wasn't aware of what was really going on and I was too young and cowardly to tell him.  
  
Against my will, Jun became an essential part of our little group. He came everywhere with us, had lunch with us at school, and even accompanied us on our way back home. It was no longer Satoshi and me. Now it was Satoshi, Jun, and I. And I couldn't stand not having moments alone with Satoshi anymore, where we talked, shared our secrets, and supported each other. Jun had crept into our lives little by little, and before I knew it, it was too late.  
  
Satoshi and he had begun to understand one another.  
  
Too well.  
  
Jun always talked about how much he missed Sapporo, where he was born, and how wonderful the scenery was there. He was always complaining about the pollution in Tokyo, and how the people were in such a rush that they had no time to stop for a minute and notice the things around them. So I kept hoping that someday he would leave Tokyo, and Satoshi and I would go back to being just Satoshi and me again. With a little luck, Jun's parents would go back to the north earlier than I imagined, and everything would be like it used to be. Satoshi would have eyes only for me again, and I wouldn't have to endure the presence of that brat with a diva's pretensions anymore.  
  
One Sunday morning, shortly after my eighteenth birthday, Satoshi called me and we went out to have breakfast together. He told me he had been with Jun the previous afternoon, and that he had told him that his parents were thinking about going back to Sapporo in the spring. I couldn't believe it. Out of respect for Satoshi, I had to restrain myself in order not to jump from happiness, but I was bursting inside. Finally, after two long years, the long-awaited moment was near. Jun would return to his island, and it would be as if he had never existed. Satoshi would rely on only me, and I wouldn't have to worry about those afternoons he spent alone with Jun anymore. My life would be perfect again.  
  
Or so I thought.  
  
Until Satoshi told me that Jun was thinking about staying in Tokyo.  
  
With my eyes widened and my mouth agape, I was speechless. It couldn't be true, surely I had misunderstood. After all those years of waiting, it couldn't be that Jun had ruined everything again. Why did he want to stay in Tokyo? His only connection there was us. All of his family lived in the north, and if his parents were going back to Sapporo, what would he do? Was he thinking about living alone? If so, he was crazier than I thought. Being sixteen years old, I wouldn't be able to live alone in a city I didn't like and where I didn't really know anyone. I thought about it and was overwhelmed by anxiety, thinking about the loneliness and all the troubles I would have to face by myself.  
  
When I shared these thoughts with Satoshi, he told me he had offered to help Jun, and asked me to as well. He said we were all that Jun had in Tokyo and he wasn't staying because he wanted to, but out of necessity, so that he wouldn't have to change schools again and would be able to pursue a degree at a prestigious university. However, I was convinced there was another reason. Jun had become tiresome, speaking all day long about Sapporo and its fields, and now he decided to stay in Tokyo? Something didn't fit. He was hiding something, for whatever reason, and that had me liking the situation even less, since I suspected that something he was hiding, were his feelings for Satoshi.  
  
Just two weeks later, Jun informed Satoshi and me of his final decision.  
  
He would be staying in Tokyo.  
  
I had just been accepted into Keio University, and Satoshi had found a part time job. I knew our schedules wouldn't be very compatible from now on, so I liked even less the idea of Jun staying around, but I thought I could keep things under control. After all, the relationship between Satoshi and I had always been strong and stable. I was sure that preventing him from spending too much time with Jun would be easy if I did things well. And, after my graduation, I would confess to him, just as I had always planned.  
  
My youth and insecure nature held me back at that time. I didn't dare speak to Satoshi about my feelings because I wanted to offer him a steady relationship that lasted forever, and for that, I needed to be able to offer him some type of security, which I couldn't offer then, being a teenager, student, and still living with my parents. When I finished my degree, I would be twenty-three years old; I would've matured, and would be able to speak clearly. I would be able to tell Satoshi that I had always been in love with him, and now that I had a degree and the age to think of myself as an adult, I could offer him everything he deserved and try to make him happy with all my might. But that day never came.  
  
Once again, it was Jun who ruined everything.  
  
I have to admit that with time and the years I realized it wasn't worth it to hate him. He was making an effort to please me, although, it was not as much as he did with Satoshi, and I repaid him with a cold and distant attitude, but it reached a point where I realized that no one deserved that treatment without a reason, so I decided to try and give him a chance. Things weren't so bad after that, I even managed to see his good points and became fond of him, but he had to step in my way again and spoil everything.  
  
My last winter in university was a little chaotic, full of subjects I needed to pass so that I could graduate, and projects and more projects. Apparently, Jun took the chance that I was busy and had, in a way, lowered my guard, to confess to Satoshi. He did it behind my back, without any warning, without saying anything to me. He called him, took him to Ueno, and told him how he felt when they walked home. Satoshi said that he was surprised when he chose to do it because he wasn't expecting it, but he had already suspected something about how Jun felt.  
  
As if he wouldn't have suspected it!  
  
In recent months, Jun had been very obvious, both in his actions and his words. The time the three of us spent together was full of looks from Jun to Satoshi, even some concealed caresses here and there, and Satoshi left feeling uncomfortable. Until that moment, I thought it was because he didn't share Jun's feelings, but then I realized that I was the one causing his discomfort. Satoshi would have preferred it if I wasn't there, and he could be alone with Jun. I knew it the moment he decided to accept his feelings, and go out with him.  
  
I vividly remember the pain I felt in my chest when Satoshi told me himself what had happened. How I shrank as he spoke, growing smaller and smaller, until I felt like the lowest of beings. It was already too late. I had been trying to wait for the perfect moment in our lives, when everything was steady, and Satoshi and I were adults and could think about a truly serious relationship, but Jun had been more daring and had beaten me to it. He had stolen my Satoshi from me, the only person I had loved in my twenty-three years of life, and probably the only one I would ever love in the years I had left. Even though he didn't love me, I didn't mind, I had eyes for no one else. And I would never be able to feel for anyone what I had felt for him for almost twenty years.  
  
My world fell apart, and I had to endure it for eight years. Eight damn years of kisses and caresses right in front of me, of knowing smiles and gestures that I wanted for myself. My heart ached every time I saw them together, and I wanted to scream. Scream out in pain, in desperation, but also of love. I wanted to scream to Satoshi that I loved him, to stop torturing me in such a cruel way and come back to me. I wanted to feel him looking at me in that special way again, the way he had before starting his relationship with Jun, and know that I was the only one for him. I couldn't stand another man being the center of his universe. It hurt me so much that I had even considered moving to different city several times, but in the end, I had never been able to do it. Even if I had to see him with Jun, I preferred to be close to him as a friend, than to never see him again.  
  
"Sho?"  
  
The living room of my apartment was dark, lit only by the light that slipped in from the hallway, where Satoshi, my Satoshi, stood under the doorframe, watching as I forced myself to smile, as if nothing happened. As if I didn't feel guilty. As if my heart wasn't bleeding and I wasn’t cut to the core.  
  
I wiped my tears and tried to compose myself quickly.  
  
"Satoshi", I said. "What are you doing awake?"  
  
I glanced over at the clock. It was four in the morning.  
  
"I woke up, and you weren't in bed", he said.  
  
I stood up and approached him, taking his hands in mine.  
  
"I'm sorry. I wasn't able to sleep and came out here so I didn't wake you up"  
  
He let go of my hands and hugged me.  
  
"I had a nightmare", he sobbed. "I've been having strange dreams since I was in the hospital, and it's becoming unbearable. I wake up restless, upset, crying uncontrollably. I don't understand it. I don't understand what's happening"  
  
I wrapped my arms around him, trying to calm him down.  
  
"There's a man, tall and thin, who wants to separate me from you", he said. "I never get to see his face, but he appears every night in my dreams and takes me with him, even when I fight to stay. I can't take it anymore. I'm going crazy, Sho"  
  
I held him tight in my arms and stroked his hair.  
  
"It's okay, Satoshi", I said, caressing his back. "You're awake now. Everything is alright"  
  
He nodded and tightened his grip.  
  
What if those nightmares were actually memories that began to wake?  
  
I wasn't ready for Satoshi's memories to come back. Not yet. Not so soon. We had been living together for hardly a month, he couldn't be snatched from me so soon. I couldn't stand it. I would go insane. I knew that I would have to tell him the truth at some point, but I needed more time. Just a little more.  
  
Just a little bit more.


	6. Ohno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>  A/N: Thanks to my dear **furokugal** for checking and correcting this text for me. I suck at expressing myself in english ^^;;
> 
> _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics :)_

The same nightmare repeated every day.  
  
That tall, thin man appeared, he whispered sweet things to me, hugged me, sometimes he even kissed me, and he always ended up holding my hand to take me with him. I fought to stay with Sho. More and more every day. Sometimes I even began to cry before the man appeared, and I tried to run when I saw him coming, trying to get away from him. But he always reached me, and tore me away from my boyfriend.  
  
Three months had passed since I began living in Sho's place, and I had started to remember things about my apartment, my job and even my family. Everything matched with what Sho had told me, but even so, it was as if there was a part of my life that my brain didn't want to remember. Memories of my time in kindergarten and my years in primary school had begun to appear here and there, and Sho was in every one of them, always by my side, always looking at me with devotion and giving me that reassuring smile, but then there was a huge gap between those years and the present.  
  
During those months I had stopped doubting my feelings for Sho. We still weren't intimate at all, since I was recovering and felt exhausted by the end of the day, and he said he didn't want to force things, that it would happen when it was meant to happen, when the both of us felt ready and comfortable. But I needed him. I looked for him when I woke up from those horrible nightmares, and if I didn't find him by my side in bed, I woke up and looked for him. I sought the warmth of his embrace and the touch of his fingers running through my hair. I liked it, it made me feel good, it soothed me. And any doubt I might've had about our relationship dissipated instantly.  
  
I loved Sho, and needed him by my side.  
  
One night, my dreams began to change. After several weeks of dreaming about the same thing, over and over again, that night I found myself in a park. It was daytime, even though the street lights were starting to switch on, and the air was cold. I was wearing a coat and a scarf, in which I hid my nose and mouth, trying to shelter them from the cold. Someone approached me and offered me a coffee, which I immediately accepted. I placed my hands around the paper cup, letting the heat of the liquid warm my hands, and smiled, looking up at the person who had brought it. I couldn't see his entire face. I saw his lips, adorned with two moles, one on the left of his upper lip and another one under his bottom lip, right in the middle. And I saw his eyes. Dark, intense, deep, with long dark lashes. Those eyes pierced right through me and made my heart beat at breakneck speed, waking me from my sleep.  
  
Unlike other nights, I wasn't crying, but I felt terribly anxious. I was breathing heavily and there was sweat on my forehead. I ran my hand through my hair, feeling as if my heart might jump out of my chest at any moment, and closed my eyes, trying to calm down. I breathed deeply several times, swallowed hard, and got up to walk to the kitchen, to have a glass of water. My throat was dry, as if I hadn't drunk in days, and I felt heat on my cheeks. I leaned against the counter, still thinking about my dream, and was startled when I saw a pair of feet standing at the kitchen door.  
  
I looked up and saw Sho, who was staring at me from the doorway.  
  
"Another nightmare?", he asked.  
  
I nodded.  
  
"Though it was different this time", I said.  
  
I finished my glass of water and motioned for him to come closer.  
  
"Different?", he said, walking to me. "In what sense?"  
  
I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his chest.  
  
"I was in a park, and a guy brought me a coffee"  
  
"The same guy who always takes you away from me?"  
  
"I don't know. I didn't see his body or hear his voice. I could only see his mouth and eyes"  
  
Sho was playing with his fingers in my hair.  
  
"Someone you recognized?"  
  
I shook my head and rested my chin on his chest, looking at him.  
  
"Do you know if I know someone with moles near his mouth?"  
  
"Moles near his mouth?", he chuckled. "What kind of question is that?"  
  
"The guy in my dream had two moles near his mouth. Here and here", I said pointing out the exact spots in which I had seen the moles on the person in my dream. "He had an intense gaze too, and very long eyelashes"  
  
Sho was pensive.  
  
"I don't remember anyone that fits that description", he looked at me. "Maybe he's someone from work?"  
  
"I would've recognized him. Even when I couldn't see his face, he had very strong features"  
  
"Then I don't know, Satoshi. We've been together since kindergarten, and I don't remember anyone like that. Maybe it was your mind playing tricks on you, and that guy doesn't really exist"  
  
I thought for a second.  
  
"Yeah... maybe... but he was so real..."  
  
Sho chuckled and kissed my forehead.  
  
"That's the thing about dreams. Sometimes you feel like you can almost touch them"  
  
I chuckled with him and blushed a little.  
  
"You're right. What a foolish thing..."  
  
He kissed my cheek and held me tight in his arms.  
  
"Do you want to go back to bed? Or aren't you sleepy?"  
  
"I'm not sleepy, but I'm tired"  
  
"Let's go, then. Even if you don't fall asleep right away, at least you'll be lying down and resting"  
  
I nodded as he held my hand, and followed him to the bedroom.  
  
Sho fell asleep almost right away. I, on the other hand, couldn't stop thinking about my dream. Maybe my boyfriend was right and that person didn't exist, but there was something that told me I had seen him somewhere before. I didn't know where, when or how, but those features weren't new to me. Maybe my subconscious was trying to tell me something.  
  
The next morning at the aquarium, recalling my conversation with Sho in the kitchen, I decided to tell Aiba-chan about my dream while he helped me clean the seals' pool. I told him what I had been able to see of that guy, even though I didn't remember seeing him in those months after leaving the hospital. I wanted to see if he worked with me at the aquarium, like Sho had suggested.  
  
I knew what the reply would be, but I needed to hear it from another person.  
  
"Well, I...", said Aiba-chan, biting his lip. "I promised Sakurai-san I wouldn't speak about him with you, but if you remembered him on your own... I guess it's okay..."  
  
I stopped doing what I was doing and looked at him.  
  
"What are you talking about?", I asked him.  
  
Aiba-chan looked at me.  
  
"Sakurai-san told me it isn't good for you to force your memories, that it's better if they come back by themselves, especially the ones that have to do with people you don't remember. He asked me not to speak you about that guy you saw in your dream because you still don't remember him, and it might confuse you"  
  
The reply turned out to be quite different than what I was expecting.  
  
If Sho had asked Aiba-chan not to speak about that person, it was probably for my own sake, but I couldn't stop it now. I had seen him in my dream, and Aiba-chan had confirmed that he truly existed. I had to know who he was. Maybe he was the key to remembering something about those years my mind was blocking out.  
  
"Who is he, Aiba-chan? Do you know him?"  
  
"Well, not exactly. He used to come and pick you up after work sometimes, but I never really spoke to him. I don't know his name, or who he is. I only know that he seemed like someone very close to you"  
  
My head was spinning.  
  
If he was someone so close to me, Sho should've told me about him. I understood he wanted to protect me and let me remember things by myself, but it wasn't fair that he hid the existence of someone important to me. And where was he now? Why hadn't he come to visit me to the hospital? Why had he never called me?  
  
"I'm sorry I can't help you more", Aiba-chan apologized. "But it's great that you're starting to remember important things, don't you think? Maybe Sakurai-san can help you more than me, you should ask him"  
  
I nodded and forced a smile.  
  
"You helped me a lot, don't worry. I'll talk to Sho tonight"  
  
The rest of the day seemed to go on forever.  
  
Hours passed by more and more slowly as my impatience grew. I was about to call Sho during my lunch break and ask him what was going on, but I controlled myself and decided to wait. I thought it was a topic important enough to talk about face to face with him, rather than on the phone.  
  
When I got home at night, I didn't waste a second. I slipped off my shoes as I announced that I was home, and rushed to the kitchen, from which came a delicious smell. Sho was cooking katsukare, with his apron on, and greeted me with a wide smile, as he usually did. And I felt guilty for thinking he had been unfair by hiding the existence of that guy in my dream.  
  
"Smells really good", I said, smiling back at him.  
  
"It will be ready very soon. Do you want to set the table in the meantime?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"Yeah, sure, but I want to tell you something first"  
  
"What is it?", he asked.  
  
"Do you remember that guy I told about last night? The one in my dream"  
  
"Yeah, of course"  
  
"Aiba-chan told me that he used to come and pick me up after work"  
  
He turned around and looked at me.  
  
"He said that he doesn't know his name or what kind of relationship he had with me", I continued. "But he's sure we had a close relationship... and he said... you asked him not to speak about him..."  
  
Sho's eyes widened. He looked scared.  
  
"Satoshi... it's not what you think...", he answered immediately.  
  
"I know. You did it to protect me, so I wouldn't go crazy trying to force my memories to return"  
  
My boyfriend seemed relieved when he heard my words.  
  
"I'm sorry...", he sighed.  
  
"I won't lie. This morning I thought it was unfair that you pretended not to know who that guy was last night, but then I understood why you did, and I appreciate it", I looked at him. "Who is he? Where is he now?"  
  
Sho frowned and sighed.  
  
"His name is Matsumoto Jun. He's our friend from school"  
  
"Matsumoto Jun..."  
  
"He's in Sapporo now. He went back there a few months ago, with his family"  
  
"That explains why he didn't come to visit me"  
  
Sho nodded and went back to the katsukare.  
  
"I'm going to call him", I said.  
  
I pulled out my cellphone from my pocket and searched for Matsumoto Jun in my contacts, but there was no trace of him. I didn't have his phone number, and there were no e-mails or calls from him.  
  
"Eh? I don't have his number..."  
  
I looked at Sho, who was stirring the curry, with his back facing me.  
  
"You don't talk to each other anymore", he said.  
  
"Why?", I frowned.  
  
"I don't know. You had an argument before the accident and you deleted his phone number. You said you didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore, and then he went back to Sapporo"  
  
"Ah... well..."  
  
"That's why I didn't want to tell you anything. I didn't want to hurt you"  
  
I moved closer to him and hugged him from behind, resting my cheek against his back.  
  
"You didn't want me to suffer when I remembered him..."  
  
Sho nodded, and I stayed there a little bit longer, embracing him in silence.  
  
That night, I dreamt about Jun and the park again, but this time I saw his entire face. He looked at me with sparkling eyes as I thanked him for the coffee, and we walked together to my home, where we stopped before reaching my door, and he hugged me. It was such a real hug that I felt it, as if he were there with me that night, wrapping me in his arms. And I felt the warmth of his breath on my neck.  
  
When I opened my eyes, it wasn't Jun who was hugging me, but Sho. He was awake, and staring at me in the darkness; I could swear his eyes were filled with tears. I brushed the bangs from his forehead and played with his hair as he shifted and snuggled up against me, holding me tight in his arms.  
  
Clinging to me.


	7. Sho

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
> A/N: Thanks to my dear **furokugal** for checking and correcting this text for me. I suck at expressing myself in english ^^;;
> 
> _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics :)_

I felt increasingly worse.  
  
I could hardly eat or sleep. I spent the nights awake, lying next to Satoshi, watching his face while he slept. What I was doing to him wasn't fair. First I had hidden Jun's existence from him, and then I had lied, saying that Jun had moved to Sapporo. I hadn't given Satoshi the chance to choose who he wanted to share his life with, and that was killing me.  
  
Jun, in the meanwhile, still couldn't keep his head above water. We met two or three times a week, and we talked for hours. He was downcast, so torn apart that it broke my heart. I never thought I could end up feeling pity for the one who had stolen Satoshi from me and almost took him away from me forever, for that nosy brat who was now a man and suffering because he believed his boyfriend was dead. The situation was tougher than I had thought, and I didn't know how long I would be able to bear it.  
  
"I'm going back to Sapporo"  
  
Sitting across from me at our usual café, Jun had his right leg crossed over the left and held his cup with elegance, as was his habit. His eyes hadn't moved from the table for the past twenty minutes, as if he had been lost in his own thoughts, and he had finally broken the silence, before taking a long sip of his cup of coffee.  
  
"When?", I asked, caught by surprise.  
  
"Tonight. I'll catch the night train from Ueno"  
  
"But... When did you decide this? Why didn't you tell me?"  
  
I couldn't get over my surprise.  
  
"I decided on it this morning"  
  
"Like this? All of a sudden? You woke up and decided to go back?"  
  
It wasn't typical for Jun to make rushed decisions. He always weighed the pros and cons, thought about the situation a lot, maybe too much, and imagined all the possible options before finally making a decision. As hard as I tried, it was difficult for me to believe that he had made such an important decision without thinking about it first.  
  
"Well, not exactly", he said. "I've always wanted to go back to Sapporo. Satoshi was the only thing keeping me here, and now that he's gone... It doesn't make sense for me to stay here anymore..."  
  
Jun's eyes darkened. I sighed.  
  
"I would ask you to stay, but I know you'll be better off with your family. You've always missed Hokkaido, for as long as I've known you, and I understand that nothing is keeping you here anymore. But did you think it through enough? You have a job here, and a routine. You'll have to start from scratch in Sapporo"  
  
"I don't care. My life here has no meaning, it's empty. There are only memories of Satoshi wherever I go, and instead of leaving this hole I'm stuck in, I just keep sinking even deeper into it"  
  
I felt a sharp pain in my heart.  
  
Jun didn't deserve it. Even though he had interfered between Satoshi and me, what I was doing wasn't fair. Making him go through all that pain was the most horrible thing I had done in my life, and I'd probably never be able to forgive myself for it, but I was so terrified of losing Satoshi that anything seemed better for me. Even hurting Jun, who I had begun to grow fond of in recent years.  
  
"I understand you", I said. "I'm not at my best either"  
  
Jun looked at me.  
  
"I'm sorry I rely so much on you. I know you're having a hard time as well, even when you try to pretend when you're with me. I know how much Satoshi meant to you"  
  
I nodded and a bitter smile appeared on my face.  
  
"Yeah, I'm suffering too, in my own way"  
  
There was a silence in which I stared at my cup, thinking about what was really going on, and that if Jun knew it he'd probably smash my face right there.  
  
"Sho, can I tell you something?", he said.  
  
"Yeah, sure"  
  
"Maybe it was just me, and I'm sorry if it's like that, but I always had the feeling that you felt something for Satoshi. The way you would look at him wasn't like that of a friend"  
  
I sighed.  
  
I didn't understand why he had to bring that topic up now.  
  
"It really doesn't matter how I looked at him", I replied. "He chose you"  
  
"Yeah, but I always felt like I had got in the middle"  
  
At least he was aware of it.  
  
"We weren't a couple when you arrived. You hadn't been in the middle of anything", I lied.  
  
"Did you ever tell him how you felt?"  
  
I shook my head as I played with my cup.  
  
The topic made me feel uncomfortable.  
  
"You're lying", he accused me, fixing his gaze on me.  
  
I looked at him, my eyes wide.  
  
"Satoshi told me in the car, before the accident, that you had confessed to him that morning", he said.  
  
My heart started beating fast.  
  
"Well... I..."  
  
"I don't hold a grudge against you because of it, Sho. When Satoshi told me, I was furious, I won't deny it. I thought you had tried to snatch him away from me behind my back, but then I realized that you had every right to", he sighed. "I had been the first trying to take him from you, bringing him to Sapporo with me. I guess it was only fair that you tried to play your last card to try to convince him to stay"  
  
"I'm sorry", I sighed again. "It wasn't my intention to betray you, the only thing on my mind was that Satoshi was leaving forever. I couldn't stop thinking about it, and acted out of desperation"  
  
"It's okay, Sho. I forgot about it a long time ago"  
  
I clenched my fists under the table and bit my lip to hold back my tears.  
  
Jun couldn't imagine that it wasn't the first time I had betrayed him. I was sure that he didn't even imagine I had gone beyond after the accident, and that I constructed a web of lies that was only causing pain and suffering. Not only to me and him, but Satoshi too.  
  
"I appreciate it, Jun", I said. "You're... a good friend..."  
  
Unlike me, who was the worst friend in the world.  
  
It didn't take too long for us to finish our coffees and say our goodbyes. I offered to accompany him to Ueno station at night, but he told me he didn't want to say goodbye there because it would be painful, so we said goodbye in front of our usual café, or maybe it was just a see you soon, since the two of us promised to not take long to visit the other. I was aware that I was being hypocritical, but deep in my heart I was feeling something that I never thought I'd feel: pain at Jun's departure.  
  
The night had started to fall, and I wanted to be home when Satoshi came back from work, so I went straight to my apartment. I didn't know where to start, or how to explain it to him, but I had decided that I would tell him that night. After the conversation with Jun, I had broken down, and I couldn't keep up the charade anymore. Besides, now that Jun was going back to Sapporo, I had nothing to be afraid of. He couldn't take Satoshi with him anymore.  
  
When I got home, the house was still empty.  
  
I turned on the lights in the living room and rummaged through the drawers of my bookcase, until I found a ton of old photo albums that I had kept hidden so that Satoshi wouldn't find them. It didn't make sense to keep them there anymore. I would tell him everything the moment he arrived, and let the chips fall where they may. At least my conscience would be clear, and I would be able to sleep again.  
  
I sat down in the living room and opened the first album, the one that was marked with the oldest date, and started to glance through it. Pictures from kindergarten and our first years in primary school crowded together in its pages, making me smile and cry at the same time. They had been happier times, when everything was simple and sharing our toys was enough. We didn't need anything else, and our innocence made everything easier. There weren't stupid feelings of love, or nosy brats putting distance between us.  
  
When I finished, I grabbed another album, and then another, and another. We grew up a little more in each album. Our bodies and our faces changed, first from almost babies to children, and then from children to awkward teenagers with changing bodies and raging hormones. It was in those pictures that Jun began to appear, and I couldn't help but to start crying even harder.  
  
I couldn't bear it anymore.  
  
My own bad conscience was driving me crazy.  
  
" _Tadaima_ ~"  
  
Satoshi's voice came from the front door, followed by the sound of the door closing and his bare feet walking down the hallway. I didn't even bother to wipe away my tears or sit up straight on the couch. I just waited until he entered the living room, and fate would be the one to decide what would happen after that.  
  
"Sho, I'm... home..."  
  
Satoshi stopped just a few steps away from me and frowned when he saw me.  
  
" _Okaeri_ ", I whispered.  
  
"What happened?", he looked around, seeing all of the albums scattered everywhere. "What's all this? Why are you crying?"  
  
I took a deep breath.  
  
"Satoshi... come here...", I said, motioning for him to sit down beside me.  
  
He obeyed immediately.  
  
"You're scaring me", he said. "What happened?"  
  
He brushed my hair from my face and gently caressed my cheek, looking at me with a worried expression. I closed my eyes, and caressed his hand on my cheek. It was so warm. Only Satoshi could make me tremble just with the touch of his hand. I opened my eyes and looked at him. Slowly, I gave him the album that I had in my hands, and pointed to a picture we had taken nine years ago. Satoshi, Jun, and I were in it, smiling with our still crooked teeth back then, enjoying a hot summer afternoon at Odaiba's beach.  
  
"This is Jun", I said, pointing to our friend in the picture. "He was... your boyfriend..."  
  
Satoshi observed the picture, frowned, and looked at me.  
  
"I don't understand what you're trying to say", he said.  
  
"I'm not nice, Satoshi... I'm a despicable human being...", tears began to roll down my cheeks again. "I took advantage of your weakness, I didn't know how to react and I lied to you. I lied to you, Satoshi. And there wasn't a day that passed by in which I could stop punishing myself for it. I don't sleep, I'm not hungry... I'm going crazy..."  
  
Satoshi's eyes widened and looked at me in disbelief.  
  
"What are you talking about?", he glanced at the album and then back at me. "What...? What's going on? I don't understand... I thought you and I were together, that we loved each other..."  
  
"That's what I made you believe, but I can't stand it anymore", I grabbed one of the more recent albums and opened to a random page. "See? Jun was your boyfriend, not me. I was only the friend who wasn't needed, the one who was too slow and didn't make it in time to win your heart. And now I've become the worst friend... to you and Jun... and..."  
  
Satoshi's eyes widened even more, and the album fell from his hands.  
  
"What do you mean...? Jun was...?"  
  
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Satoshi. I love you. I really do love you. I've always loved you, since the first day I saw you and..."  
  
He stood up and covered his ears with his hands.  
  
"Shut up! I don't want to hear anymore!"  
  
"Satoshi... please...", I stood up as well, and tried to hug him.  
  
"You... You're...", he tightened his lips and pushed me away, looking at me with hatred. "Don't touch me. I don't want you to touch me. And I don't ever want to see you again!"  
  
He ran from the living room like a bat out of hell and I followed him down the hall.  
  
"Wait! Satoshi, wait!", I grabbed his wrist to stop him. "Where are you going? It's late!"  
  
"I don't care!", he exclaimed, tugging his hand away. "I don't want to see you... I don't want to see you ever again! Do you hear me?! Ever!!"  
  
"Satoshi, please, don't leave. I'm begging you! Wait until the morning"  
  
He quickly put on his shoes and gave me one last look full of anger before opening the door and disappearing.  
  
"Satoshi! Please!"  
  
The slam echoed through the apartment, and I just stood there, staring at the closed door.  
  
Satoshi was gone. He was gone.  
  
He was gone.


	8. Jun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>  A/N: Thanks to my dear **furokugal** for checking and correcting this text for me. I suck at expressing myself in english ^^;;
> 
> _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics :)_

I zipped my bag shut and sighed.  
  
I had sent all my stuff to Sapporo that morning. The next day everything would arrive at my parents' place, except for a few pairs of pants, some t-shirts, socks and underwear I kept in my hand luggage, along with my personal care items and a charm I had bought with Satoshi at a temple in Kyoto.  
  
I couldn't believe six months had already passed since his death.  
  
It felt as if we had been in Kyoto together not that long ago, enjoying our visits to magnificent temples, walking down the different _hanamachi_ looking for beautiful _geiko_ and _maiko_ to snap a quick picture of them, and simply being immersed in the atmosphere of the old streets of Higashiyama. We were happy. So happy that it still seemed unreal that he wasn't with me anymore.  
  
I looked around, taking a last look at what had been my home for the past five years. I had lived so many things there. I would always remembers the parties that went on until the wee hours, the sleepless nights, the gatherings with friends, the endless afternoons of work, and especially the moments with Satoshi. The sofa of that living room numbered with countless afternoons of affectionate gestures, and my bed had witnessed endless nights of kisses and caresses. And now there was nothing. Only the image of Satoshi in my memory.  
  
I was afraid that time would erase all of that. I was terrified of forgetting him, not only his face, but all those sensations that were still so alive in me. I knew that I had to leave Tokyo because its streets brought back too many memories, and that wasn't helping me get over it, but at the same time I was afraid of distancing myself from the very few things of Satoshi that I still had.  
  
I sighed and glanced at my watch, and saw it was past six.  
  
It was already dark outside and I wasn't that familiar with Ueno station, so I decided to leave the house at that moment to reach the station with enough time to look for my platform. I switched off all the lights, took one last quick glance, and sighed again before I closed the door forever and rode the elevator down to the entrance hall.  
  
I hopped on the Yamanote at Kanda, which took me to the ever-crowded Ueno station, and once there, I looked for the exit to the platforms for the night trains. With my bag on my shoulder, I went upstairs on a long escalator and waited standing behind a man in a suit. A thousand thoughts crowded into my mind, and I felt like I wouldn't be able to sleep that night. First, because it wasn't easy for me to sleep anywhere and second, because I knew I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about what I'd do with my life from now on. My first thought was to spend a few days at my parent's house, just enjoying their company, and then go to look for a job. Any kind of job would do in the beginning, at least until I found something I really liked or that had a higher salary. The last thing I wanted was to be a burden on my parents.  
  
I checked to see how long it would take to reach the end of that never-ending escalator, and my eyes caught sight of the face of a young man that was going downstairs on the opposite side. It was hardly a couple of seconds that I saw his sleepy, almond-shaped eyes, but it was enough to make my heart jump inside my chest as I turned around, trying not to lose track of him.  
  
It was him.  
  
Definitely.  
  
It was him.  
  
"SATOSHI!!", I yelled.  
  
Several people around me turned to look at me as I leaned my body over the railing of the stairs, desperately trying not to lose sight of him as he walked further and further away from me.  
  
"SATOSHI!!", I yelled again, louder this time, but he didn't seem to hear me.  
  
I turned around and ran upstairs, skipping the few steps left on the escalator, and I immediately made my way through the crowd to run downstairs. When I reached the platform, I searched for him with my eyes. I looked in every possible direction, but there was no trace of him. I yelled his name again, several times, but I didn't receive a reply. People who passed by began to stare as tears rolled uncontrollably down my cheeks, and I tried to make my way through the crowd, pushing people around me, desperate to find him, to see his face, to hear his voice. I was certain that it hadn't been my imagination. What I had seen was real. Satoshi was going downstairs to the platform. I had only seen his eyes and the back of his neck, but I would've recognized him among a million people. I would be able to distinguish his eyes and that nape I had caressed uncountable times anywhere.  
  
After several minutes of trying to find him without success, I went upstairs again almost in strides and changed the platform to catch the Yamanote in the opposite direction. My whole body was shaking as I got inside the train, and the tears hadn't stopped for an instant since I had seen him, plus my heart continued to race uncontrollably, making breathing a difficult task. People kept staring at me, but that was the least of my concern at the moment.  
  
Satoshi was alive.  
  
He was alive.  
  
The ten or fifteen minutes I was in that train car seemed eternal. The anxiety I felt was eating me alive, and I couldn't stop moving my leg nervously as I watched the lights of Tokyo passing by in front of my eyes at dizzying pace. When I got off the train and left the station, I didn't waste a single second, and in less than two minutes I was impatiently ringing the doorbell, pressing it over and over, without allowing time for an answer in between. I was aware that I was probably bothering the neighbors, but I didn't care at the moment. I only wanted to share what I was living, or I would go insane.  
  
"Jun, what are you doing here?"  
  
"Sho..."  
  
I was so focused on pressing the doorbell that I don't even know when the door had opened, and my friend came out to greet me with puffy eyes and looking downcast. I knew he was suffering too. I knew it. As much as he made an effort to try and stay strong in front of me, he was broken. He was as wrecked as I was. And it didn't make sense that he continued to hide it.  
  
"Oh God, Sho!", I exclaimed, hugging him tight. "You're broken as well..."  
  
"What... What happened?"  
  
I grabbed his arm, pulling him inside the apartment.  
  
"I'm not crazy", I said clumsily. "You're going to think I am, but I swear it was real. I swear that what I saw was as real as me being here right now"  
  
When we reached his living room, I realized there were a ton of photo albums scattered around. All of them were open and there were pictures of Satoshi in every one of them. In some of them he was alone, in others he was with Sho, and in others the three of us were together. I looked at my friend, who seemed embarrassed by the scene, and hugged him again.  
  
"God, Sho, I didn't know you had reached this point...", I moved away from him and firmly took his face in my hands. "He's alive. I saw him in Ueno. He's alive. Satoshi is alive. Everything is alright. You don't have to cry anymore"  
  
Sho's eyes widened.  
  
"No...", he whispered, shaking his head.  
  
"Yes!", I nodded as a hundred butterflies fluttered inside my stomach.  
  
"It can't be"  
  
"Yeah, Sho. I saw him. I saw him! With my own eyes"  
  
He shook his head again and got rid of my hands.  
  
"Jun, you're delirious", he said. "And you're hysterical. How many cups of coffee did you have today?"  
  
"I know. I know you think that I imagined it, but what I saw was real. He was going downstairs as I went upstairs. I saw his eyes so clearly... And then I turned around and saw the back of his neck ", I made a little pause in which I stared at Sho. "It was him. It was his nape. I would've recognized him anywhere"  
  
"He's dead, Jun"  
  
"No, Sho, no. He's alive. I saw him with my own eyes"  
  
"I'm telling you he's dead!", he exclaimed.  
  
His abrupt reaction surprised me, but I couldn't think clearly at the moment. My mind was a jumble of thoughts and events that I hadn't managed to organize. My body was still shaking, and I was talking in a rush, almost without articulating, as if I were trying to tell Sho all those thoughts and events as quickly as possible. Without wasting a second.  
  
"Sorry", my friend sighed and shook his head. "Jun... I'd love to believe that he's alive as well... But he's dead. We have to accept it"  
  
"I'm telling you, I know what I saw, Sho. It was real"  
  
"It was probably your mind playing some trick on you"  
  
"No! I would've noticed it"  
  
Sho walked to a side of the living room, where he stood with his back to me, and placed a hand on his forehead, as if he had a headache. After a few seconds, he turned back around and looked at me, with teary eyes.  
  
"No one wishes more strongly than me that what you're saying was true", he said. "But it's only your desire to see Satoshi again causing your mind to play tricks on you. He isn't alive, Jun"  
  
"You have to believe me, Sho. Please, I'm going to go crazy"  
  
"Did you speak to him?"  
  
I stared at him.  
  
"No... I called his name, but..."  
  
"He didn't turn around, right?"  
  
"No..."  
  
"Did you touch him?"  
  
I just shook my head, I was speechless.  
  
"See, Jun? It wasn't real", he sighed.  
  
For the first time in the last half hour, I stopped to think.  
  
What Sho was saying made sense, but what I had seen was real. I was torn between reason and my heart, it was as if the two of them were talking to me at the same time, saying opposite things, and I didn't know which one I should listen to., Sho was probably right, as usual, and I had to accept that Satoshi wasn't with me anymore, but my heart screamed out inside of my chest that it was him that I had bumped into that night. And I couldn't ignore it. At the very least, I had to try to find him.  
  
"Maybe you're right", I replied. "Maybe it wasn't Satoshi, but my heart is telling me that I have to look for him. I can't go back to Sapporo without even trying"  
  
"What are you saying? You already have the ticket, you've sent your luggage, and your parents are waiting for you. You can't stay, Jun. You have to go"  
  
I frowned. I didn't like the way he was speaking to me.  
  
"I'll go once I've found him", I firmly said.  
  
"But..."  
  
"What's the matter? Did you want me to go back to Sapporo, or what?"  
  
Sho was silent. I sighed.  
  
"Sorry", I apologized. "I shouldn't have said that"  
  
"No, it's okay. I deserved it"  
  
"Are you going to help to look for him?"  
  
My friend looked down, as if he felt guilty about something.  
  
"No", he said in a small voice.  
  
"Alright then. I'm leaving. I don't have anything else to do here"  
  
"No, Jun, it's not that. I..."  
  
"If you don't want to help, I'll do it myself", I said, giving him a look of reproach.  
  
I snorted and rushed out the living room and the apartment, slamming the door.  
  
I knew everything that I said wasn't easy to believe, but I had expected more support from Sho. As my friend, I would've liked him to at least try to understand me or offer some help. After all, if the situation were reversed, I would've believed him.  
  
I clenched my fists as I walked back to the station.  
  
Satoshi was alive.  
  
And I was going to find him.


	9. Ohno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>  A/N: Thanks to my dear **furokugal** for checking and correcting this text for me. I suck at expressing myself in english ^^;;
> 
> _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics :)_

I left the apartment like a bat out of hell.  
  
My feet moved by themselves at high speed, accompanying the rhythm of my heart, which pumped like crazy inside of my chest. I clenched my fists and frowned. I didn't know where I would go, I had no direction. I only knew that I wanted to leave. I wanted to be far away from Sho and his apartment, his fake memories, everything that had to do with him. And never see him again.  
  
Tons of images raced through my mind, without making any sense, after seeing those pictures Sho had showed me. First, I saw the three of us in Odaiba's beach, with Rainbow Bridge in the background, playing to see who could endure lying on the sand the longest, under the suffocating heat; and then I saw Jun and I going up Tokyo Tower. The images weren't related nor were they entirely clear, but he didn't let go of me for a single second, he held my hand or embraced me, and we took pictures together on the second deck, the highest one. We kissed, laughed, hugged. Like a happy couple.  
  
That's what Sho meant when he said that he had lied to me, that he had taken advantage of my weakness. That's why he felt guilty, why he couldn't sleep, and why he didn't eat. He despised himself for all of his lies, for being able to look me in the eyes and tell me that Jun was just a friend from school who had moved to Sapporo.  
  
Rage and anger came over me.  
  
"Satoshi! Please!", was the last thing I heard Sho say before I left his apartment.  
  
I rushed downstairs and walked out to the street, where I was now, wandering aimlessly, with my mind full of confusing memories, disjointed images that didn't seem to have any relation to one other and yet they all showed me the same thing. The person who had kissed and hugged me was Jun. Not Sho.  
  
Liar.  
  
Damn it!  
  
I thought we were happy, that he loved me, and that he cared about me. He was always home to greet me, made my breakfast and dinner, and he was always concerned about my condition, asking me if I had managed to remember anything. Now I understood why he really did it. He only wanted to have everything under his control. Without realizing it, I had been giving him all the information he needed to continue his lies. I got caught in a web that I had helped to spin.  
  
And now I didn't know what was real and what wasn't anymore.  
  
I felt like my life had no meaning, that everything in it was a lie. I couldn't remember anything after my primary school years, and what I had lived during the past six months had been Sho's lies, the life he had created for me. And I didn't understand why. If he had been my friend since we were kids, why had he done that to me? Why had he lied about such important things? Why had he made me believe that he was my partner and have me live with him? I was happy during that time, I felt good by his side, but...  
  
It wasn't real.  
  
Maybe that's what hurt the most.  
  
My life with Sho had been a lie.  
  
I looked around, being aware of where I was for first time, and realized I had ended up in Ueno. The initial annoyance had made room for sadness and pain little by little, and tears had begun to roll down my cheeks. In my desperation to try and restore some sense to my life, after realizing that place looked very familiar to me, I decided to go into the park, and several images rushed into my mind immediately. Images that over the past few nights had been repeating in my dreams. Jun brought me coffee on a cold winter's day, and now that I was there, in the middle of Ueno Park, I could clearly see him walking down its paths towards me.  
  
I sat down on a bench, overwhelmed by my own memories and feelings, and let the tears continue to roll down my cheeks as I remembered that date with Jun. The images and conversations were very real, unlike other memories I had recovered that night. So real, that it almost felt as if I were living them all over again.  
  
After bringing me that cup of coffee, Jun took me to the zoo, where it seemed like we had spent the afternoon, and then he walked me home, though I couldn't recognize the neighborhood I was seeing. It was probably where my mother's old house used to be, where I used to live before she died. Before reaching the door, Jun stopped, looked at me with a serious face, and told me he loved me. Then he gently embraced me, conveying a lot of warmth, and said I didn't have to reply at that time, that he would wait for as long as I needed. I felt affection, a lot of affection, and I got carried away and embraced him back, saying that I needed time to think and sort out my feelings. However, in those memories, there wasn't a single trace of love anywhere on my end. I felt an immense affection towards Jun, and his embrace had warmed my soul, but that was all.  
  
Why had I told him that I wanted to be his partner, then?  
  
I frowned and tried to remember.  
  
The doctor had told me several times that trying to force my memories wouldn't work, and I would most likely end up with a terrible headache, but I needed to know what was going on. Jun was the only alternative to my memories, and I had no way to contact him, may he be in Sapporo or Tokyo, but as much as I tried, I only managed to see scattered images. And none of them answered my most important question, the one that could be the key to many things.  
  
Did I love Jun? Or did I love Sho?  
  
My heart told me that I loved Sho, that I needed him by my side, despite all his lies. However, the very few memories I had, together with the pictures I had seen at Sho's place, told me that Jun and I had been a happy couple. But if that was true, then why didn't I feel anything when I remembered the first time he told me that he loved me? Why? Why? Why?  
  
Why?!  
  
I punched the bench and cried harder.  
  
It was frustrating not knowing how my life had been, not even knowing who I loved. And the only people who had any answers couldn't help me. One had lied to me, the same one who had made me believe in a life that wasn't real. And the other was living in Sapporo, or somewhere in Tokyo that I didn't know.  
  
The night was turning cold, and I didn't have a coat, since I had left Sho's place so quickly that I had left all my things there. I only had my cellphone, my wallet, and the keys to his apartment in my pocket. I didn't even have the keys to my own place, and I didn't want to go back to Sho's, even when I knew he was the only person I could turn to at that moment. I wiped my tears and decided to spend the night in a hotel.  
  
What happened that night was confusing me even more, and I knew that I wasn't going to find any answer to my questions, at least for now. I was upset and hurt, and I didn't want to run the risk of finding new questions instead of answers, so I went to Ueno station and went down to the Yamanote platform.  
  
That night, in the hotel bed in Shibuya, I dreamed that Sho told me that he loved me and begged me to stay, but we weren't in his apartment. We were in a park. I turned around, feeling so sad that my chest hurt, but I ended up getting into a car with Jun, leaving Sho behind. And right there, on my way to somewhere I didn't know, I argued with Jun.  
  
He yelled.  
  
I cried.  
  
And an overwhelming feeling of sadness came over me again.  
  
I woke up shaken and sweating, as every other night when I had a nightmare since I had left the hospital, but this time Sho wasn't by my side to comfort me. I lay back down, curled up in that lonely bed, and couldn't help breaking down and crying.  
  
I was going crazy.  
  
My heart ached when I thought about Sho, even when he had made me feel miserable just a few hours ago. And I missed him. I wanted to have him by my side in that bed, hug him, hear his reassuring words, and maybe even kiss his lips. I hadn't kissed him since the day I woke up in the hospital, but now that I didn't have him by my side, I wanted to kiss him more than ever.  
  
Why had he lied to me? Why hadn't he been honest with me?  
  
Each one of his words that night echoed in my mind as if I were hearing them again. And it hurt. It hurt so much that I couldn't stand it, and I wished I could just go right back to sleep, even when I knew that if I fell asleep I would have those horrible nightmares again that caused me anxiety.  
  
Why had Sho begged me to stay? Where was I going? Why had I ignored what I had felt inside and gotten in that car with Jun? Why had I argued with him after that? In my other memories we were fine. We got along well and were happy. Why had I suddenly dreamt about having a huge argument with him?  
  
Maybe it was just a dream. Maybe they weren't real memories. Maybe it was just my subconscious trying to make me believe that Jun and I weren't fine before I lost my memories, so that I could rid myself of any guilt for the feelings for Sho that were awakening inside of me.  
  
The next few days were hell.  
  
I couldn't stop worrying, fighting against myself. My heart told me I had to go back with Sho. It screamed that I needed him, that I loved him, and that I didn't want to live without him. However, my common sense said the opposite. It warned me not to fall into his trap again, that everything to do with him had been a lie, and that I would continue to suffer if I went back to his apartment. And I had no one to tell what was happening or ask for advice.  
  
On several occasions I found myself walking to Sho's place, but I always turned around, refusing to fall back into his web of lies. But, what if not everything was a lie? He had lied about Jun and our relationship, but his caresses during those six months had been so real, and his eyes always looked at me with so much devotion that it was hard for me to believe that all of that had been a lie too. There are some things you just can't pretend. The things that come straight from the heart. And I firmly believed that those caresses and those eyes expressed a real feeling. All of the love that Sho felt for me. The only thing that had made those six months real.  
  
We hadn't been a couple before the accident, but we had been after it. In every single way. And I was confused, I didn't know how my life had been before or who I loved, but I knew very well who I loved now, who I wanted to be with, and who I didn't want to lose.  
  
Though I needed to talk to him first.  
  
On the morning of my third day away, I gathered up my courage and decided to take the leap. I would go to his place, tell him how I felt, and ask for explanations. If what there was between us was real, and he was willing to be honest with me from now on, nothing else mattered. I was willing to forget his lies and start from scratch.  
  
Simply because I loved him.  
  
I really loved him.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>  A/N: Thanks to my dear **furokugal** for checking and correcting this text for me. I suck at expressing myself in english ^^;;
> 
> _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics :)_

The night Satoshi left, my world fell apart.  
  
At first, I thought that if he didn't go to Sapporo with Jun, everything would be alright. It didn't matter if he hated me when he learned the truth, at least he wouldn't go to the other side of the country, where I wouldn't have a chance to explain myself. However, now I realized just how wrong I was. If Satoshi hated me so much that he didn't want to see me again, it didn't matter if he lived in Tokyo or Sapporo. He wouldn't listen to me anyway.  
  
I leaned against the wall and sat down in the hallway of my apartment, breaking down and sobbing once again. I would never see his face again, or touch his hair, or feel his hands on my skin. I couldn't stand it. I didn't even need him to be my partner, I was okay with his friendship, with being able to see him every day, like when we were kids. I only wanted to get Satoshi back, and return him to my life in some way.  
  
I didn't know how long I had been there, sitting down on the floor, crying non-stop, with my face covered by my own hands, when the doorbell of my apartment brought me out of my thoughts. It sounded insistently, almost to the point of being annoying. I looked up and jumped up, thinking it might be Satoshi. I knew that allowing him to leave alone so late had been a bad idea, considering his weak state. If something had happened to him, I would never be able to forgive myself. I immediately opened the door, almost asking what happened, when I discovered it wasn't Satoshi.  
  
I froze.  
  
What was Jun doing at my place?  
  
I thought he was on his way to Sapporo. He had told me himself that afternoon that he had the ticket for the night train, and that he even had sent his luggage to his parents' home already. My legs were shaking, and I think my hands were too, as he desperately grabbed hold of my face and clumsily told me he had seen Satoshi at Ueno Station.  
  
Damn it.  
  
How could it have happened? There were a million places he could've gone, and Satoshi had to choose Ueno Station. Exactly that night, when Jun was leaving for Sapporo and had to be there. How could it be that fate was always against me? Whatever happened, no matter what I did, it always had to go wrong. I always had to be one to lose out. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I was only able to deny over and over that Satoshi was alive, with my eyes wide due to the panic, while Jun insisted he was sure that what he saw was real. I refused to tell him the truth. I refused to admit in front of him that everything had been a plan to separate them, to prevent him from taking Satoshi to Sapporo with him.  
  
Jun got upset when he saw I didn't give in and I wouldn't support him. He was determined to stay in Tokyo and look for Satoshi, and I denied him my help, hoping he would give up and leave for Sapporo alone, as it was planned since the beginning. If he stayed to look for Satoshi and ended up finding him, it would be the end of any possible relationship I could have with my childhood friend, but Jun was truly determined, and he said he wouldn't leave until he found him.  
  
What else could happen that night?  
  
I felt again as if I were the most despicable being in the world, when I was supposed to have been freed from a burden after telling Satoshi the truth. Why did everything have to go wrong? If only I had waited a little longer. If only I had waited until the next morning to tell him, Jun would've never seen him in Ueno and would've left for Sapporo. Now, not only did I not know if I'd ever see Satoshi again, but Jun was out there looking for him. What if he found him? I couldn't allow that. I had to do something or everything I had done up until the moment would go to waste, and I wasn't willing to lose Satoshi again. Hell was better than that.  
  
When Jun left, I didn't wait a second to dial Satoshi's number. I called him several times, but he didn't answer any of my calls. I went to his apartment, where I waited for several hours by his door just in case he came back, but there was no trace of him anywhere, so at six in the morning, when I noticed the neighbors were beginning to wake up, I decided it was time to leave, before someone called the police. I had no more places to go. I didn't know where he could've spent the night. On the street? In a hotel? At someone's place? I couldn't go to the police because they would ask for information, and I couldn't hang posters on the streets because Jun would see them and would ask me for an explanation. The situation was so frustrating that I ended up calling all the hotels in Tokyo, asking if Satoshi had spent the night there. I took me almost the entire day, and I had to make up a story that sounded like a science-fiction movie, but I couldn't stand there twiddling my thumbs. Most likely, Jun was already moving and using all of his resources to find him, among them the police, which meant he had an advantage. And I couldn't let him find Satoshi before I did. I simply couldn't.  
  
After moving heaven and earth without success for nearly three days, I was beginning to think that I would never find Satoshi. Until one morning when my doorbell rang. And when I opened the door, there it was. The face I had most wished to see during the past days, the eyes that made me fall in love over and over again.  
  
Satoshi. My Satoshi.  
  
He had come back.  
  
"Satoshi...", I whispered, stunned.  
  
I had to rub my eyes to make sure what I was seeing was real.  
  
"Hi", he replied, looking down.  
  
"Hi", I said with a wide smile.  
  
"May I...?", he pointed inside the apartment.  
  
"Yeah, sure. Come in", I moved aside to let him in. "My home is yours, you already know that"  
  
He entered the apartment, took off his shoes in silence, and looked at me.  
  
"I came to talk...", he said.  
  
I nodded.  
  
"Come on, let's go to the living room", I told him. "Would you like a drink?"  
  
"No, I'm fine. I only want to talk to you. I need to"  
  
My heart began to beat faster.  
  
He needed to talk to me.  
  
Satoshi needed to talk to me.  
  
We sat down in my living room next to each other, and I waited impatiently.  
  
"Sho...", he said, after a few seconds.  
  
I stiffened in my seat.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Why did you lie to me?"  
  
I knew that would be one of the first questions.  
  
"You see, Satoshi, I..."  
  
"No lies", he interrupted me. "Only the truth... please..."  
  
It wasn't an order or a request. It was a plea.  
  
For first time since Satoshi had entered the apartment, I took notice of his features. It seemed like he hadn't slept much in the past few days either. He had dark circles under his eyes, his expression was exhausted, and his dull eyes looked at me with sadness, begging me in silence not to lie to him again.  
  
"Because I love you", I said.  
  
I couldn't be more honest.  
  
"Because you love me?", he frowned. "I don't lie to people I love"  
  
"I know", I sighed. "I'm so sorry, Satoshi. I know this doesn't fix things, but I can assure you that not a single day went by where I didn't remind myself of how despicable I was. I felt I was a horrible person for not telling you the truth, but I couldn't do anything else... I didn't want to lose you..."  
  
He looked at me for a long while in silence, I guess trying to read the expression on my face, and I think he saw something that proved that I was being honest because he slowly reached out for my cheek, and gently caressed me. Without saying anything. And I didn't say anything either. I just closed my eyes and felt his touch. Satoshi's touch.  
  
I had missed it so much.  
  
"Promise me that there won't be any more lies, Sho", he whispered.  
  
I nodded and opened my eyes.  
  
"No more lies", I said in whisper.  
  
He stared at me in silence again.  
  
"These six months...", he said. "Were they real?"  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"I felt good by your side. I felt loved, cared for, protected. Tell me it was real. I need to hear it"  
  
At that moment, I could understand what I put him through. Without realizing it, I had made him suffer more than anyone else. I had taken advantage of his memory loss, without taking into account the fragile state of his mind. I was his only link to the life he couldn't remember, and I had filled it with lies.  
  
"Satoshi", I said, taking his face in my hands. "There is nothing in my life as real as what I feel for you. If I lied, it's only because I couldn't stand the idea of losing you. I didn't want to-"  
  
He placed his finger on my lips, silencing me.  
  
"It's okay. You don't have to say anything else", he leaned his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. "It's okay, Sho... It's okay..."  
  
He placed his lips on mine and gently kissed me. I felt how every single hair on my body stood on end, and I couldn't help placing my hand on his nape to lengthen the kiss. I had wanted it so badly. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to be carried along. I felt every caress of his lips on mine, every brush of his tongue, and every single bite of his teeth. I had been waiting for that moment all my life. That kiss which told me without words everything I had always wanted to hear.  
  
When our lips parted, I smiled like an idiot, with my eyes still closed, and caressed the back of his neck in silence. My heart was still racing, and the only thought I had was that I wanted to kiss him again. I wanted to feel his lips again, and never be separated from them again.  
  
"Tell me that everything is going to be alright", he whispered.  
  
"Everything's going to be alright... You'll see... Everything's going to be just fine..."  
  
I wanted to tell him all the truth, to tell him the part of the story that I was still hiding, but I felt it wasn't the time. I didn't want to spoil what was happening between us. There would be more time the next day to sit down and talk, and tell him everything. Without lying. Just as he deserved. As it should've been since the beginning. I leaned in and kissed him again, this time more slowly than before, savoring every second, enjoying the touch of his lips even more, and the warmth of his breath. I still could not believe that Satoshi had forgiven me, that he had given me another chance, and above all, that he was willing to be with me. To love me.  
  
It was like a dream I didn't want to wake from.  
  
Only the badly-timed doorbell of my apartment could make me open my eyes at that moment and stop kissing him. I sighed and rolled my eyes, showing my frustration, as he chuckled and gently stroked my hair.  
  
"How convenient", I said.  
  
"Come on, go answer the door", he smiled. "We'll have all the time in the world to kiss each other from now on"  
  
I nodded, smiling back at him.  
  
"We have our entire lives", I whispered, kissing his lips again. "I'll be right back"  
  
I took his hands in mine and kissed them before walking down the hallway of my apartment to answer the door. And once again, I felt as if fate were laughing at me.  
  
Jun threw himself into my arms, crying his eyes out.


	11. Jun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>  A/N: Thanks to my dear **furokugal** for checking and correcting this text for me. I suck at expressing myself in english ^^;;
> 
> _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics :)_

The moment Sho opened the door, I threw myself in his arms.  
  
I clung to him as if he were my only chance to survive, as if he could release me from all that pain. I couldn't stop crying on his shoulder. My body was shaking and I could barely breathe. I couldn't take it anymore. I just couldn't take it anymore. All the feelings from the past six months, especially the past three days, had accumulated and I had hit rock bottom.  
  
"Sho... help me... help me, please...", I begged him. "I want to die"  
  
He didn't say anything or moved.  
  
He stood still, in silence, stiff as a pole, while I continued crying non-stop, trying to relieve the pain in my chest, though it didn't seem to work. I missed Satoshi so much, and wished to see him so badly that I had imagined him going down the stairs to the Yamanote line at Ueno Station. I had even asked for help from the police in order to find him. But there was no trace of him. No one had seen him, he wasn't at any hotel, and his apartment was empty. Simply, because he was dead. He was dead.  
  
My Satoshi was dead.  
  
"You have to help me, Sho", I kept begging him in tears. "I can't take it anymore. I want to die. I want to die and be with Satoshi. I can't stand this pain any longer"  
  
"Jun", he said, moving me away and taking my face in his hands. "Listen. You need to stop thinking such nonsense. You must try to move on, okay? I know it's hard, but you have to"  
  
"I can't, Sho. I can't. I miss him. I want to see him"  
  
"I know, Jun. I know", he pulled me against him and wrapped me in his arms, holding me tight. "I want to see him too, but he isn't coming back. He isn't coming back..."  
  
I clung to him again.  
  
"You have to help me. A few minutes ago... I almost did something stupid..."  
  
"What did you do?"  
  
I was silent, and he moved away to look at me with a frown.  
  
"What did you do, Jun?", he insisted.  
  
"Nothing. I didn't go through with it... but I tried to kill myself...", I sobbed. "I was about to jump onto the Yamanote tracks in Ikebukuro"  
  
"In Ikebukuro?", my friend's eyes widened.  
  
I nodded.  
  
"I couldn't do it in the end. I thought about my parents, and I couldn't do it", I looked at him. "Don't leave me alone. I'm scared it'll happen again, and the next time nothing will stop me"  
  
"You need to calm down, Jun"  
  
Sho's attitude was cold and distant.  
  
He looked nervous. He kept turning his face toward the living room, as if he were looking for something or checking that everything was okay there. He was uneasy, and he looked far away as he spoke to me, as if his mind were somewhere else.  
  
"What's going on, Sho?", I asked him, frowning.  
  
"Eh?", he looked at me. "N-Nothing. It's just that I wasn't expecting you, much less in this state ", he sighed. "Jun, you worry me. You can't continue on like this. I know that Satoshi's death has been hard. It has been difficult for me as well, but it's been six months"  
  
"I was going to live with him, Sho. We were leaving together for Sapporo"  
  
"I know", he sighed again. "I know you were together for eight years, and that you had plans for the future, but you can't live in the past forever. You need to recover, meet new people, and focus on the good things in life"  
  
I bit my lip.  
  
I knew Sho was right, but I couldn't think about my life without Satoshi. Maybe I wasn't ready yet. Maybe I hadn't been able to get over it yet because my head and my heart still needed a little more time to accept that he wasn't with me anymore, and that he was never coming back. The only thing I knew for sure was that I didn't want to be alone, since I was scared that I might do something crazy during one of those down moments in which it seemed that life had no meaning without him.  
  
"I can't do it alone", I told him. "The last time I tried to get on with my life and go back to Sapporo with my family, my imagination had me seeing Satoshi going down the stairs at Ueno Station"  
  
"That's precisely why you have to leave, Jun"  
  
"What?", I frowned.  
  
"Don't take me wrong. I don't want you to leave, but I think it best for you. Tokyo is full of memories of Satoshi that only stop you from moving forward. You need a change of scenery, to see new places and new people, and start from scratch. And what better place than Sapporo, where you were born?"  
  
I was pensive.  
  
"You're right", I nodded. "Everything around here reminds me of him. From our school years, to the day I confessed, our first kiss, our first date..."  
  
"See? Staying here is only destroying you", he sighed. "Go back to your parents. Tonight. Don't waste any more time and change your surroundings. Be happy. You deserve it, Jun. You've gone through enough suffering"  
  
I stared at him in silence.  
  
There was a time in my life in which I had hated Sho. And now, seeing him standing there, worrying about me, I felt terribly guilty about it. He had always been there, listening to me and supporting me since we were kids. We had lost contact during our college years, but truth is that our bond had been strong enough to have us resume our friendship the moment he returned to Tokyo, as if those years of silence had never existed.  
  
When the accident happened, Sho's name was the first one that came to my mind. It was him who I called for help, and he acted like a true friend, taking care of everything, even when Satoshi died and I could hardly move due to my injuries. And in recent months, after Satoshi's death, his behavior had been exemplary. Even when I knew that he was a wreck, he had tried not to show it in front of me, remaining strong so that I could lean on him and not sink.  
  
I had so much to thank him for.  
  
The worst thing was that he had never suspected anything about that hidden hatred I had towards him for some time, the months just before the accident, when jealousy blinded me and made me see him as my worst rival, instead of the good friend he had always proved himself to be. I owed him an explanation and an apology. It was my duty to tell him. To be honest and apologize.  
  
"Sho...", I said. "I have... to apologize..."  
  
"Eh? To me?", he blinked, surprised. "Why?"  
  
"Because I've been unfair to you"  
  
"To me? Why? When?"  
  
"I know you probably never suspected anything, but there was a time when I hated you. I was convinced that you were only trying to separate me from Satoshi, and I was blinded by jealousy"  
  
"Ah, that", he smiled. "It's okay. As good of friends as we were, it's normal there was some rivalry between us at some point, even jealousy. We were young men, and those kinds of things happen between young men"  
  
"No, it wasn't like that, Sho. It wasn't a rivalry between young men"  
  
"It doesn't matter, Jun, really. Everything is fine on my end. We can talk about this later, when you've calmed down"  
  
He made an attempt to open the door, but I stopped him.  
  
"Can we talk now? I really need it"  
  
"See, right now... I was about to go out to run some errands... If you want, I can call you tomorrow and we can meet to talk. I think it'll be good for the both of us"  
  
"No, tomorrow will be too late. I'm following your advice, and I'm going to leave for Sapporo tonight. I want to start from scratch as soon as possible, before I end up going crazy here, and I don't want to leave anything unresolved between us. You've always been a good friend. I think you deserve that I be honest with you, once and for all"  
  
He sighed, and it seemed that he was nervous again.  
  
He was biting his lip, and he looked at the living room again, over and over.  
  
"Is something wrong, Sho?", I frowned, worried. "I know I asked you before, but you seem anxious"  
  
"No, no", he quickly replied.  
  
"You've listened to me many times. Come on, let's go inside", I gave him a friendly pat on his shoulder. "Don't be like that. Trust me and, for once, let me be the one to listen to you"  
  
"No, I'm alright, really. It's just that I'm in a rush"  
  
I carefully looked at him.  
  
Something was going on, definitely. Sho's gesture was increasingly tense, and he acted as if he was in a rush for me to leave. And that was starting to bother me. I wanted to be honest, and explain why I had been jealous of him. I had even honestly offered to listen to him, but he was only trying to get me to leave his place as soon as possible. I didn't understand it. And I didn't like his attitude.  
  
"What the hell is going on with you, Sho? I'm telling you that I'm leaving tonight, forever, and that I want to be honest with you before I leave. Is what you have to do so urgent that it can't wait even for a few minutes? I thought we were friends, and that I was important to you"  
  
"Yeah, but..."  
  
"But what?", I interrupted him. "You're proving to me that you don't care at all about my feelings. Since I arrived, you've been nervous, as if were you hoping I would leave, and you didn't even invite me in when you saw the state I was in. I don't recognize you. You aren't like this. What's going on?"  
  
"Nothing's going on, Jun. Really", he frowned. "I already told you that I didn't expect to find you at my door, let alone in the state you were. I was about to go out, when I opened the door and I found my friend telling me he wants to die. What do you want me to do? Of course I'm nervous!"  
  
I was silent.  
  
"Okay, you're right", I sighed. "Maybe I went too far. I'm sorry. I guess it's because of everything that has happened these past few days. I'm especially sensitive"  
  
"It's okay. I understand"  
  
"Can I come in then? It'll be only for a couple of minutes. Besides, I have my car outside. I can drive you to where you need to go after that"  
  
"You came here by car?", he asked, surprised.  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"You took the car, crying and shaking like you were?"  
  
"Well... yeah..."  
  
"Jun, do you have a death wish or what?"  
  
"When I took it, I didn't care. Some minutes ago, I didn't mind dying"  
  
He sighed and shook his head.  
  
"Let's go somewhere for a drink", he said, trying to open the door again. "We need to have a serious talk. I'm not thrilled to hear that you don't mind dying. What about your parents? What about me? Didn't you think that-?"  
  
I closed the door, interrupting his speech.  
  
"Are you trying to change the subject?"  
  
"Eh?", he pretended to be surprised. "Of course not! What makes you think that?"  
  
I raised an eyebrow.  
  
Sho had always been a terrible actor.  
  
"I asked if I could come in, and you started to beat around the bush"  
  
"See, it's just that... my living room is a disaster... and... Well, since I'm going out and you brought your car... I thought that... that... that maybe we could go to... to... to a quiet place... which... isn't as messy..."  
  
I stared at him.  
  
Something was up. Now I knew it for sure.  
  
"What's going on, Sho?", I sighed. "Why are you stammering? Why won't you tell me?"  
  
I couldn't understand why he still didn't trust me, after everything we'd been through.  
  
"I'm telling you nothing is wrong", he insisted. "You're imagi-"  
  
He was interrupted mid-sentence, but it wasn't by me.  
  
"Sho? Why are you taking so long?"  
  
My heart stopped in my chest.  
  
That voice.  
  
I looked down the hallway, where the sound came from, and I couldn't believe my eyes. Beneath the doorframe, a pair of almond-shaped eyes stared back at me. Eyes I could perfectly recognize, just as I had recognized them three days before in Ueno Station.  
  
Satoshi.  
  
My Satoshi.


	12. Ohno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
>  A/N: Thanks to my dear **furokugal** for checking and correcting this text for me. I suck at expressing myself in english ^^;;
> 
> _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics :)_

Things finally seemed to be going well.  
  
I went to Sho's place, as I had decided, and asked him if our relationship had been real. I didn't need to know or hear anything else. Only that our love was real, that he had felt the same as I did during those six months, that he loved me and needed me like air to breathe, the way I needed him. Nothing else. If Sho was by my side, everything would be alright. That's why, when he told me there was nothing in his life more real than what he felt for me, I couldn't control myself anymore. My heart exploded and I looked for his touch. His face, his hands, his lips. We kissed several times, and I would've continued kissing him all day and night, if it wasn't for his doorbell interrupting us.  
  
Sho went to open the door and a voice reached me from the hall. It seemed like someone was crying. A man. I decided to stay in the living room and wait, since I didn't want to stick my nose into other people's business, but after almost fifteen minutes sitting there, listening to Sho's and the other man's voice, not understanding what they were saying and hearing the door open and close at least twice, I decided to go see what was happening.  
  
"Sho?", I asked, sticking my head in the hall. "Why are you taking so long?"  
  
I didn't need to hear his reply.  
  
I froze when I saw a pair of brown, intense eyes, with long lashes, reddened by tears, staring at me wide-open, as if they had seen a ghost. The moles on his upper lip moved with the ones on his bottom lip, as his mouth opened, but no sound came from it. I knew that tall and slender figure, with almost perfect features, was him. It was him. I would've recognized him anywhere, despite not having seen him all those months.  
  
It was Jun.  
  
"Satoshi!", he exclaimed, quickly approaching me.  
  
He moved Sho aside, and hugged me. He held me so tight in his arms that I couldn't move, and for a few seconds I could hardly breathe. He repeated my name over and over, almost whispering it, and his voice cracked due to the tears that had begun to roll down his cheeks. However, it wasn't Jun that I cared about at that moment. My heart wasn't paying attention to him.  
  
I glanced at Sho from over Jun's shoulder and found him standing by the door, not moving. He looked at me with his eyes wide-open and shook his head, as if it was all a bad dream, as if he refused to believe it was really happening. Fear reflected in his eyes, and I could see him running his trembling hands through his hair, without averting his eyes from me for a single second.  
  
He was terrified.  
  
"Oh, my God! Satoshi", Jun said, moving away to take my face in his hands and kiss me. "You're alive... You're alive...", he repeated, caressing my face. "You're alive. You're really here"  
  
My heart was racing at a dizzying speed, but I didn't feel happy, I felt sad. Extremely sad and guilty.  
  
I looked down in silence.  
  
"I've missed you so much", Jun said. "I've dreamt about having you in my arms again so many times, about caressing you again. Where were you? Where have you been? I almost went crazy without you"  
  
He didn't stop kissing me all over my face desperately, as if he had wanted to touch me for years, as if he felt I wasn't real, even when I was there in front of him. I, on the other hand, placed my hands on his chest, gently moved him away from me to stop him, and looked him in the eyes for first time. Though I wasn't able to say anything.  
  
"He's been here the whole time", Sho replied for me.  
  
Jun turned around to look at him, and I looked at him as well.  
  
Sho didn't seem scared anymore, but determined, though there was a glimmer of sadness in his eyes. His fists were clenched, as if that helped him to hold back his urge to tear me away from Jun's arms. I guess watching Jun kiss me hadn't been something that Sho liked.  
  
"What do you mean, he's been here?", Jun frowned.  
  
"He woke up in the hospital with no memories, and I brought him here. He's always been here with me"  
  
"What? What do you mean...?", Jun let go of me and turned around. "What do you mean, he's always been here with you? You told me he was dead!"  
  
"It was a lie"  
  
The coldness in Sho's reply froze me.  
  
He had told Jun I was dead? And Jun wasn't in Sapporo, but Tokyo? I didn't understand anything. Minutes earlier, Sho had promised there wouldn't be more lies between us, that he would only tell me the truth. Why did he lie to me again? What was going on in his mind to invent a story that sounded like something out of a sci-fi movie? I didn't understand. As hard as I tried, I didn't understand it. Sho was kind. He had proved it to me since the very first day, when I woke up in the hospital. What led him to do something like that?  
  
"You told me no more lies, Sho", I reproached him. "In your living room. Just a moment ago"  
  
"I was going to tell you, Satoshi! I swear I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't find the right moment", Sho's eyes had changed. They weren't cold anymore, but sad, and begged me to believe him. "After three horrible days, in which I thought I would never see you again, you suddenly came back, and you were willing to forgive me, to love me. Do you have any idea how much that meant to me? After almost thirty years loving you, and almost losing you twice, you can't imagine how much everything that happened minutes ago meant to me. I didn't want to spoil it by telling you the truth. I thought it could wait, that we weren't in a rush. I wanted to tell you everything tomorrow when things had calmed down, and explain all the details and my reasons for doing it, but this guy had to get in the middle, again", he said, pointing at Jun. "And he had to spoil everything. As usual. He's always in the middle. He always takes you away from me. And I can't bear it anymore. If I lose you again, I'm going to go insane, Satoshi"  
  
Tears rolled down Sho's cheeks non-stop, furiously, out of control, and his entire body was shaking. He was honest, his eyes told me so, as well as his voice and his words. And I felt that overwhelming feeling come over me again. The same feeling I'd had every night when I woke up from my nightmares, and didn't let me breathe at all. The same feeling that haunted me every day, which drove me crazy. And now I understood why.  
  
When I heard Sho's words, all my memories, the ones I hadn't been able to recover all that time, came back at once. It was as if my mind had been keeping them inside a locked box until that moment, blocking them, and Sho had the key to open it. To release them. To make me understand what had happened.  
  
I had always been in love with him.  
  
I had loved him with every fiber of my being since the time we were children, and had always wanted to be by his side, but I thought my feelings were unrequited. I was convinced that I was only his best friend, the one person he shared everything with and who he could trust his deepest secrets to, but nothing more. Only his friend. That's why, when Jun came into our lives, years later, and he didn't care about hiding his feelings towards me, but showed them in such a genuine and pure way, I thought that maybe he could help me to forget Sho.  
  
I admit that, when he officially confessed that cold winter day, I had my doubts about it. My heart still beat for Sho, but he had left for university. We kept in touch, and I still thought about him every day, but he was far away, and Jun was there, with me. I wasn't in love with Jun, I had made it clear since the moment I agreed to go out with him, but I thought that immense fondness I felt for him could end up turning into love over time.  
  
We were happy for eight years. We had our ups and downs, but we were happy. I focused on him, forced myself to forget Sho, and it seemed to work, because every day I loved Jun more and paid more attention to his needs. Maybe what I felt for Jun had never been as great as what I felt for Sho, but it was something very special, something that put a smile on my face every time I saw him, and that made me nervous every time we had a date. You could call it love, since it was different from the affection I felt for other people in my life, and I felt like I had made the right decision, that together we could make it. I really fought for our relationship.  
  
It was then that Jun's father got sick. He left for Sapporo for a few days, to be with his family and to make sure his father and mother would be alright, and he wasn't the same person when he came back. Things between us were the same. He still loved me the same as before, and he still treated me just as nice, but something about him was different. His eyes. They were sad and dark. And I began to feel guilty about it. Jun had returned to Tokyo to be with me, but his mind was in Sapporo with his parents, and I didn't want to be the one keeping him from them. I didn't think it was fair. His father wasn't completely recovered, and taking care of him was too much for his mother, who was getting old. Jun wanted to be by their side, as their only son, and I decided I would go to Sapporo with him. Maybe it was crazy, but I felt I had to. After all, the only connection I had in Tokyo was Sho. Starting a new life in another city wouldn't be that difficult.  
  
At least, that's what I thought.  
  
When I told Sho the news, I could see his sadness and how his eyes got teary, but I never could've imagined what the real reason behind his tears was. Several days passed, in which Jun and I were busy preparing things, and on the day we were leaving for Sapporo, when we went to Sho's place to say goodbye, something unexpected happened. Jun returned to the car first, since I had asked him to give me a few minutes alone with my childhood friend, but I never thought that Sho's heart would explode as it did in that park, in front of his apartment. He begged me to stay with him in tears of desperation, saying he wouldn't be able to bear being away from me, because he loved me. He had always loved me. And I wanted to die right there.  
  
Sho was begging me to stay. And Jun was waiting for me in the car to leave.  
  
I cried like I had never cried before as I told Sho that it was too late, and I felt my heart shattering into a million pieces. The love of my life begged me in tears not to abandon him as I turned around, and got into the car with my boyfriend to leave Tokyo. The pain was so great that I wanted to rip my heart out of my chest. And Jun couldn't understand it. He got really angry. He gave in to his jealousy, and yelled me to stop crying for another man, that I was hurting him. But I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop. The pain was so unbearable that I just couldn't stop.  
  
Then Jun swerved to the right, and everything went black.  
  
Not only had my tears stopped.  
  
My whole body did.


	13. Sho

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
> A/N: Thanks to my dear **furokugal** for checking and correcting this text for me. I suck at expressing myself in english ^^;;
> 
> _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics :)_

I wanted to die.  
  
I tried everything to get Jun to leave my house. I tried to convince him to go somewhere else and get out of there, but it seemed like he suspected something. He wouldn't stop saying I looked nervous, and every time I opened the door to go out, he closed it, as if he knew something was going on inside my house. I became more and more tense. I was afraid that he would enter the living room at any moment and find Satoshi, so I did everything I could to block his way and stop him, however, it didn't work at all because Satoshi ended up coming into the hall himself.  
  
It wasn't his fault. He had been waiting in the living room for a long time, it was normal for him to come and check if everything was alright. It wasn't Jun's fault either. He was only broken by grief over the death of his boyfriend, and looked for some comfort on the shoulder of his supposed friend. Everything was my fault. I deserved it. For lying to the two of them. For faking Satoshi's death. For making Jun suffer in such a cruel way. Simply, fate had given me what I deserved for my wrongdoings.  
  
Jun ran desperately to hug and kiss Satoshi, pushing me aside, and I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. A mixture of jealousy, fear, and guilt that washed over me as I turned around and saw them together. Again. As I had to see them for almost eight years. In each other's arms. And I couldn't stand it. My jealousy and fear of losing Satoshi were stronger than any feelings of guilt, and when Jun asked Satoshi where he had been, kissing him all over, I exploded.  
  
I simply exploded.  
  
Ironically, I was tired of lies.  
  
I was tired of hiding what I felt, of holding back my jealousy and putting on a good face. I was tired of always being the loser, the one who thought about others' happiness and suffered in silence, the one who bled of love for nearly thirty years, and the one who had to move aside to make way for a shameless brat that had stolen the love of my life right in front of me. It was enough. This time I would fight for Satoshi, even if I had to smash Jun's face if necessary.  
  
What I didn't expect was that Satoshi himself reproached my lack of honesty. It wasn't fair. I could fight Jun, or against twenty like him if necessary, but I couldn't fight Satoshi. I couldn't confront the person I loved, the one I would give my life for without a second thought. All my determination went back to wherever it had come from, and turned into frustration. I had the intention of telling Satoshi the truth the next day, when things had calmed down. But, after all my lies, how would he believe me?  
  
"I was going to tell you, Satoshi!", I exclaimed, desperately, my heart in my hands. "I swear I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't find the right moment. After three horrible days, in which I thought I would never see you again, you suddenly came back, and you were willing to forgive me, to love me. Do you have any idea how much that meant to me? After almost thirty years loving you, and almost losing you twice, you can't imagine how much everything that happened minutes ago meant to me. I didn't want to spoil it by telling you the truth. I thought it could wait, that we weren't in a rush. I wanted to tell you everything tomorrow when things had calmed down, and explain all the details and my reasons for doing it, but this guy had to get in the middle, again", I pointed Jun, full of anger. "And he had to spoil everything. As usual. He's always in the middle. He always takes you away from me. And I can't bear it anymore. If I lose you again, I'm going to go insane, Satoshi"  
  
Without realizing, I had started to cry and shake. Maybe it was more out of anger and frustration than sadness. Those tears were the result of the fear and helplessness that had accumulated in my chest, since I knew that Satoshi wouldn't believe me, as honest as I was. I had lied to him twice, even after I had promised to be honest with him from now on, and my lies were too serious to be forgiven.  
  
"What do you mean I'm always in the middle?!", Jun exclaimed. "What's this all about? What the hell is going on with you, Sho?"  
  
The last person I wanted to talk to at the moment was Jun, but I had no choice. I only cared about Satoshi, what he thought and felt, but first I had to get rid of the person who had always come between us, since the very first day we met him, when we were still just children.  
  
"Shut up!", I replied with a look full of hatred. "Yeah, you're always in the middle. And I'm tired. Fed up! Do you understand me? Tired of you and your pretty face kissing Satoshi while I stay quiet, and watch like an idiot. It's over, Jun. This time I'm going to fight for him"  
  
"What are you saying?", he groaned. "You're the one who is always in the middle! Who was it that confessed minutes before we left for Sapporo?"  
  
"I didn't want you to take him with you! I didn't want you to take him away from me!"  
  
"The only one who tried to take him away from me, was you", Jun pointed at me, with an accusing finger. "The only one who was in the middle was you, Sho. Since you came back from university. I always knew your smiles were a lie, deep down, I always knew that you wanted Satoshi and only pretended to be happy for us"  
  
"Yeah, I was pretending. So what? Is that wrong? Trying to put my feelings aside so that you two could be happy, is that what you're accusing me of? Is that it? Because that's the only thing I did. Moved aside and stayed quiet. For eight damn years. Do you know the kind of hell it was? Do you have any idea how much I cried when no one was looking? It's very selfish of you to accuse me, when I was only thinking of your happiness. It's very unfair, Jun"  
  
"Oh, yeah, sure", he rolled his eyes. "Thinking of our happiness is taking advantage in a moment of weakness and kidnapping him. And telling me that he's dead!"  
  
"I didn't kidnap him. He came of his own free will!"  
  
"Yeah, of course, because who knows what lies you've told him, taking advantage of his memory loss"  
  
"It wasn't like that!"  
  
"Oh, no?", he raised an eyebrow. "Then why didn't he go to his own place when he left the hospital? Why did he come here? I don't think he decided to live with you while he was in coma"  
  
"Well... I...", I sobbed. "I told him I was his partner"  
  
I couldn't stop crying.  
  
I felt bad, which only got worse. And Satoshi didn't react. He was standing there, his eyes lost, not doing anything since I had tried to explain what happened. I didn't know if he was hurt, disappointed, if he hated me, or what was going on in his mind. Especially, when a tear rolled down his cheek. He still didn't react, and I didn't know how to interpret that single tear. I was going crazy.  
  
"See?", Jun continued, without mercy. "As I suspected, he didn't come here of his own will"  
  
"I know I didn't act well", I defended myself. "But he was the one who decided to stay. I thought he wouldn't take long to leave, but he stayed by my side for six months, and we understood each other. We supported each other. We were a couple all this time. He thinks so too. He told me just a few minutes ago"  
  
Jun looked at me in disbelief, shaking his head.  
  
"Are you hearing yourself, Sho? You've created your own reality, and you now believe it to be true. You're sick! You lied to me and Satoshi. You've manipulated us to achieve your goal. Did you really think that we would never find out?"  
  
"Of course not! The day you told me you were leaving for Sapporo, I told Satoshi almost all of the truth. I told him you were his partner, and that I was just his childhood friend, because I couldn't take it anymore. I just couldn't take it. I had a hard time these six months too. Or do you think I liked lying to Satoshi?", I sobbed. "But he came back to me, you know. The day you saw him in Ueno Station he'd left here full of anger, and I thought I would never see him again. I thought he would think I was a despicable human being, and that he wouldn't want to see me ever again, but he came back. He came back this morning, and told me that if our relationship was real, nothing else mattered"  
  
"He said it because he was tricked!!", he growled.  
  
"No, Jun. He wasn't tricked then. It's true that Satoshi thought you were in Sapporo, and he didn't know that you thought he was dead, but everything else is real. He's willing to love me. Despite my lies, and knowing you were his partner before the accident"  
  
"You bastard!!", he roared, jumping on me. "You've manipulated him to the point where he thinks he needs you!! You took advantage of his memory loss to confuse him!!", he grabbed my shirt and shook me as he spoke. "You're the most despicable human being and the biggest liar I've ever met!! You're fucking sick!!"  
  
"I'm not sick!", I exclaimed, trying to get rid of him. "I couldn't bear losing him, and I acted out of desperation. And I would do it again!"  
  
"You son of a...", he hissed, raising his fist.  
  
"JUN, NO!!"  
  
I saw his fist coming toward my face, and closed my eyes, getting ready to feel the pain in my nose and cheek, but what I felt was a strong blow to my chest that made me fall back, hitting my back against the door. When I opened my eyes, I saw Satoshi standing in front of me, his back facing me, and Jun staring at him, his eyes wide open.  
  
"Satoshi...", he whispered.  
  
I opened my eyes in surprise and jumped up, approaching Satoshi. His nose was bleeding, and his cheek was red, but he didn't move. He remained firm, his fists clenched, breathing heavily, and tears rolling down his cheeks. He had been crying all that time, while Jun and I yelled at each other, not paying him any mind.  
  
"Why did you do that?", I asked him, scared. "Why did you get in the middle?"  
  
"Stop... both of you...", he said.  
  
"I... I didn't... I didn't mean to...", Jun repeated, his eyes wide.  
  
"Come with me", I said holding Satoshi's hand, trying to pull him with me. "You're bleeding. Let me take care of you"  
  
"I'm fine", he replied, not moving, looking at Jun the whole time. "I'm sorry..."  
  
Jun shook his head, as if he refused to believe what he was hearing.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Jun", Satoshi repeated. "I'm sorry... I'm really sorry... I never meant to hurt you..."  
  
"Everything is a lie, Satoshi! He manipulated you!"  
  
"No, Jun. I got my memories back. And it's him. It has always been him"  
  
"No..."  
  
"I'm sorry"  
  
Satoshi looked down, and Jun clicked his tongue.  
  
"Fuck off. Both of you!", he exclaimed.  
  
He moved us out of the way, and disappeared loudly slamming the door.  
  
I watched Satoshi in silence and placed my hand on his nape, pulling him close to me so that he could lean against my chest, where he began to cry inconsolably. I couldn't stop tears from rolling down my cheeks either, as I stroked his hair.  
  
"I love you", he sobbed. "I've always loved you, Sho..."  
  
I hid my nose in his hair.  
  
"It's alright, Satoshi", I whispered shakily. "Everything is alright"  
  
He nodded and clung to me tightly. He was broken.  
  
I wrapped him in my arms, and promised to never let go of him.  
  
Ever again.


	14. Jun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author:** [](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/profile)[**arimi_skywalker**](http://arimi-skywalker.livejournal.com/) ([sutekihanashi](https://twitter.com/sutekihanashi))  
>  Disclaimer: fanFICTION (extra emphasis on the fiction). None of this is based in anything even resembling fact except for, like, their names. Do not know, don't presume to know. Not owning. Not meant to offend. Just fangirling.  
> A/N: Thanks to my dear 'Sho-chan' for checking and correcting this text for me. I suck at expressing myself in english ^^;;
> 
> _If you like this, you're welcome to check out my other fics :) ___

Satoshi waved at me from afar.  
  
I nodded at him as my greeting, and waited for him next to that place's entrance. My usual café, the one I used to go to with my parents when I was a kid, and that at present had become part of my everyday routine to hangout since I moved back to Sapporo, two weeks ago. From there, I saw Satoshi saying goodbye to Sho and approaching me.  
  
"Hello, Jun", he said with a warm smile.  
  
" _Yo_ ", I replied.  
  
"I'm sorry I made you wait. Sho can be a pain sometimes", he chuckled.  
  
"It's okay"  
  
I opened the door to the café and held it so that he could enter first. I followed him and told the waiter we were two, and smokers. Usually, I didn't like to mix coffee and tobacco, but I knew I would need more than one cigarette to calm down my nerves that morning.  
  
"Where is he going?", I asked once we were seated, watching Sho through the window.  
  
"For hotel check-in and unpack"  
  
I looked at him surprised.  
  
"You haven't checked-in yet?"  
  
Satoshi shook his head.  
  
"I called you the moment I got off the train, Jun. I wanted to see you as soon as possible"  
  
"I see"  
  
At that moment, the waitress came to take our orders, saving me from having to think about a reply. I ordered a black coffee, while Satoshi ordered iced tea, and then the waitress walked away with a bow, asking us to wait for our drinks for a moment.  
  
Satoshi and I were alone again.  
  
"How are you?", he was the one who broke the silence.  
  
"I've been better"  
  
"You're still hurt, right?"  
  
I pulled out a cigarette and looked at him.  
  
"What do you think?"  
  
"I'd say you are"  
  
I took my time lighting up the cigarette, and exhaled the smoke while the waitress brought my coffee and Satoshi's tea.  
  
"I've hated you more in the past", I honestly replied. "As the days went by, I started to get over it"  
  
"You know", he sighed. "When I called you a few days ago to ask if I could come to see you, I thought you wouldn't answer my call"  
  
"I'm not in the age for those foolish things anymore. I'm an adult"  
  
"Yeah, but being an adult doesn't mean things hurt less"  
  
"We agree there"  
  
Satoshi took a sip of his iced tea.  
  
"Jun, I don't want you to think I've been playing with you", he said.  
  
I couldn't help an ironic smile.  
  
"What should I think then?"  
  
"I don't know", he looked at me. "I understand if you don't believe me or don't forgive me, but I've loved you, Jun. The eight years we were together were wonderful. The moments we lived were real, though this probably doesn't mean anything to you anymore"  
  
"Why did you tell me that it had always been him then? I don't understand"  
  
"Because it's the truth", he sighed. "I've always been in love with Sho, since I was a child, but I thought he didn't feel the same and... I complicated things..."  
  
I looked away to the window.  
  
"You pretended to love me"  
  
"No, Jun", he said, grabbing my hand over the table. "I didn't pretend. I loved you for real. Actually, I still love you. That's why I'm here. It's important to me that you understand this"  
  
His sudden move caught me by surprise and I couldn't help to shift awkwardly in my chair as I got rid of his hand. It was then when he was aware we were in a public place, and his cheeks blushed as he looked down.  
  
"Sorry", he muttered.  
  
I nodded, giving my cigarette a puff.  
  
"I don't know how to convey what I feel", he sighed.  
  
I took a sip of my coffee.  
  
"Maybe, if you explain it to me..."  
  
He looked up and stared at me with surprise.  
  
"Do you want to hear it?", he asked.  
  
I nodded.  
  
"If I didn't, I wouldn't be here"  
  
He nodded as well and I could see the expression on his face relaxed.  
  
"I was saying that I've always been in love with Sho, ever since the moment I met him, but I thought he didn't feel the same and chose to stay quiet in order not to spoil our friendship... and then you appeared..."  
  
"Yeah. The third wheel. The unwanted one"  
  
"No, Jun. You were never unwanted", he stirred his tea with his straw, almost distracted. "When I met you, you were only thirteen, and you were so pure. I was fifteen, almost sixteen, and honestly, I wasn't as innocent as you anymore. You came with your smile, with the moles on your face, and those dark eyes full of life, willing to conquer the world. I always thought you were adorable, and when you approached me that day, saying you wanted to be my friend, something moved inside of me"  
  
"I was the new kid, begging for friendship, and you pitied me"  
  
"It was much more than that. I felt like I wanted to protect you"  
  
"Protect me?"  
  
"Yeah", he smiled, kind of nostalgic. "Which is ironic because I think I never protected you. It's always been the opposite way around"  
  
"Yeah, well. You protected me in your own way"  
  
"Really?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"Of myself. But that isn't the topic. Go on"  
  
He blinked and sighed, shifting in his chair.  
  
"When I met you, I had already decided to hide my feelings for Sho, but you were always so clear, almost shouting from the rooftops your interest in me, that I finally decided to forget about him. That's why I wasn't surprised at all when you confessed. I knew you would do it sooner or later, and I had already prepared my answer, but I started to hesitate when I faced the situation. My heart still beat for Sho, but my head said I had to forget him and try to date other people"  
  
"I was the guinea pig then"  
  
"At first, you could say it was like that. But I made it clear, right? After a couple of days thinking about it, I told you I wasn't in love with you, but I wanted to try a relationship with you because I really thought it could work. I was honest"  
  
"Yeah, that's true. But you were with me for eight years... yet you were in love with Sho..."  
  
"My heart still beat like crazy when I saw him, and I liked to spend time with him, but I always put you first, Jun. I always fought for our relationship, to make it work, to make you happy and be happy by your side. Actually, I think it wasn't that bad, right? Weren't you happy, Jun?"  
  
I sighed.  
  
"Yeah, I was"  
  
"Do you think you could be happy with someone who didn't love you? As much as you love someone, when the other person doesn't love you back, you can notice it. You can't be happy like that"  
  
"I don't understand what happened to make things change then. Especially, after all that time"  
  
"Do you still remember the day we were leaving for Sapporo?"  
  
"As if I could forget about it"  
  
"Then, you remember when I got into the car crying non-stop, and you were furious due to your jealousy because you knew I was crying for Sho"  
  
I nodded, giving a new puff to my cigarette.  
  
"He had to be in the middle until the very last second", I hissed.  
  
Satoshi sighed.  
  
"Ignoring Sho's words, that day I put our relationship ahead of my feelings. I was the one who suggested coming to Sapporo so that we could be close to your parents, and I was willing to do it. I was willing to go until the end with you, come what may, even after Sho had confessed his feelings for me and I was dying with pain while leaving him behind. I wanted to go on, to be with you, not to betray you, and continue being happy, as we had been for eight years. And look how it turned out"  
  
I looked at him, examining his gesture.  
  
Satoshi's face was tense, but at the same time it was sad and down. His tone was calm, even when his hands were nervously playing with his glass and straw. He was right. Our relationship had been a mistake. I knew he loved Sho, I had realized it way before that day because of the way Satoshi looked at him and talked to him, but I had been selfish and chose to do as if I hadn't noticed it. I ignored it and kept Satoshi by my side, to the point of accepting him moving to Sapporo with me, thinking he would forget Sho when they were far from each other. But it had been a mistake. A big mistake.  
  
"Satoshi", I said. "I have to apologize"  
  
"Why?", he frowned, confused.  
  
"For not respecting your feelings. I realized you loved Sho way before the accident, but I didn't want to give you up, and I allowed myself to be carried away by that jealousy attack that almost killed the two of us"  
  
He shook his head.  
  
"There's nothing to forgive, Jun. I think both of us made wrong decisions. I thought I was doing the right thing, and you were listening to your heart. There's nothing to apologize for, because I think none of us wanted to hurt the other"  
  
"Never doubt that. I would never do something that could hurt you on purpose"  
  
"I feel the same. I would never hurt you on purpose, Jun. You're someone important to me, you've always been. You're a special person with whom I shared eight years of my life, who I loved with all my strength. And that special affection will never disappear. Even if you don't want to speak to me anymore, you'll always be in my heart and I'll love you with all my might"  
  
I felt tears coming to my eyes.  
  
I bit my lip and looked at the window. It was hard yet beautiful to hear those words. I still loved him more than anyone in this world, but he loved Sho. I knew he loved me too, but it was not enough. As he said, it had always been Sho. The one that owned his heart and gave sense to his life.  
  
"I'm really sorry, Jun", he said. "I wish things were different. Probably, because I was trying not to hurt you, I made things worse, but I can't keep on lying to myself. I did it once, and it almost cost me my life"  
  
I nodded, put my cigarette out, and finished my coffee.  
  
"Let's get out of here", I said, standing up. "I need fresh air"  
  
I walked out of the café and Satoshi followed me.  
  
"Are you alright?", he asked once we were out.  
  
"Yeah, I only need... to breathe..."  
  
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and sighed.  
  
The fresh breeze of Sapporo was the best thing to heal the soul.  
  
"Leave me alone", I opened my eyes and looked at him. "Please"  
  
He stared at me for a few seconds and nodded, pulling out his cellphone.  
  
"I'll call Sho to pick me up"  
  
I rolled my eyes and looked away.  
  
After Satoshi made his call, we waited together in front of the café. I wasn't mad at him, but I needed to be away from him. The wound was still fresh, and even though that conversation had clarified a lot of things, having him there stirred too many feelings inside of me.  
  
When Sho arrived, Satoshi hugged me and I hugged him back. It hurt. It hurt a lot. But I didn't want him to go back to Tokyo thinking I hated him, because it wasn't like that. I only needed time to heal, and then I would be able to have a coffee and an old friends' talk with him.  
  
I saw him walking away and smiling at Sho, and a bitter smile appeared on my face. At least they had each other, and they were happy.  
  
"Who is that?"  
  
I turned around, startled.  
  
Ninomiya, the barman of the pub under my building in Tokyo, looked at me with a smirk, as if he felt proud and satisfied of surprising me. I blinked, but I pulled myself together right away and stared at him.  
  
"My dead boyfriend", I replied.  
  
He raised an eyebrow.  
  
"So the dead run now?"  
  
"It's a long story", I sighed.  
  
"I have the whole morning", he said, as he motioned to the café.  
  
I looked at him in surprise.  
  
"You work here?"  
  
"It looks like it"  
  
"Since when?"  
  
"Today"  
  
Fate was really whimsical.  
  
Or not.  
  
"Why are you in Sapporo?", I asked him.  
  
"Well", Ninomiya said. "Someone told me once that the green fields of Sapporo are one of the most beautiful landscapes one could ever see"  
  
I smirked.  
  
"The last traces of snow is about to melt"  
  
"I know", he replied, winking and smiling back at me. "Let me treat you to a drink. That story about your zombie boyfriend sounds interesting"  
  
I chuckled and followed him into the café.  
  
Fate had saved someone special to me.  
  
Really special.


End file.
